Getting ahead of myself.

So this week I've announced all of these grand plans..yeah!  I feel good about them, I really do - I just need am nearly half dead after getting all of these balls rolling.  Yep. Did it again.  I have no clue how to do anything in moderation.

As I was driving to my shoot tonight, hurting, dizzy, wandering if I would be able to walk more than a few steps, I realized that here I was again, pretending to be healthy, pretending to be perfect.  pretending to be wonderwoman.

It is a pattern that is so easy to fall into, especially with those who knew the old me.  People just expect her and get so excited when they see her back a little bit.  Yeah! We've missed her so much! (me too, kids).  And then comes the expecting of me to.....  And then comes the complying on my part to...  Just pretend you're not sick, it's easier that way.  Easier for everyone but me.  Easier for others not to have to worry. Easier for others not to be inconvenienced.  So much harder for me.  Just too hard, in fact.

I had a counselor once tell me that people close to me will see my photography business as my salvation, a cure, almost.  You can pick your own hours, you don't need to be at a desk at 8 am, etc, etc, and etc.   Yes, that is all true, but honey, mama works full-time and then some.  I assure you, I pull my 40 hours, at least. After telling one friend last week that I was moving to Austin and going to really try and make it on my own she said,  'See! This is what we've been telling you to do for years!' Maybe I shouldn't have but I interpreted, 'See! You're finally sucking it up and just working anyway We've been telling you this is the only way!'

I'm trying to make it very clear that this is a goal I've set, and it has to be just that.  I may have a little crash in the fall and not be able to do it until the new year, and I have to be able to be okay with me if that happens. I have to be able to not see it as a failure, as a sign of me not following through. I just hate it when someone is all talk, no walk.  All buckle, no horse.  But that is a risk I'm just going to have to take.

Here's the trick, here's the only way it is going to work.  Charge more, work less.  More efficiency, less busywork.  More outsourcing, less guilt.  This week - I have yet to succeed in that. Hmmm.. I've booked 5 charity shoots (read: for free, but I'm happy to do them),  I've committed to at least 3 others, I have a wedding to shoot, a million things to pack and a deadline of 3 weeks.  I also know, however, that if anyone knew how much pain my little body was in while I was doing all of this they would probably commit me... somewhere.  Yet only I know, and only you know, what we're going through.  Let's be a little easier on ourselves, shall we?

Here's a hint: start with the word, 'no.'