thank you, mr. gardener, for loving me.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
21 degrees.
21 degrees. Tonight, as I was driving towards the freeway, I saw a woman walking along the road in through the two feet of snow. She had bags hanging from each shoulder, and a bundle in her arms that looked to be a baby. I slowed the car, then I drove on. And I am sick over it.
At what point can you help your fellow man? It took everything I had to keep going. Common sense kept telling me, 'in this day and age, it's not safe,' or 'you are less than a mile from the state prison.' A single woman by herself late at night should not be picking up strangers off the road but people, 21 degrees. Bitter cold. And I let her walk away.
On my way home, 19 degrees now, I looked for her. There is a little pass under the bridge that she could have been hiding in, it would have blocked most of the wind. The snow was coming down, the roads were becoming icier by the minute, yet I knew I should stop and look for her. Crazy, but true. Did I? No, I hesitantly pulled into the driveway and stopped, giving myself 'not safe' excuse after 'i'm sick' excuse to go in. And I did. I'm warm, I'm full, I'm safe. When is it right to put others first and when is it wrong? When am I being ridiculous and when am I being selfish?
Do I sound insane?
This isn't selflessness; this is how far I am from being able to define this line.
At what point can you help your fellow man? It took everything I had to keep going. Common sense kept telling me, 'in this day and age, it's not safe,' or 'you are less than a mile from the state prison.' A single woman by herself late at night should not be picking up strangers off the road but people, 21 degrees. Bitter cold. And I let her walk away.
On my way home, 19 degrees now, I looked for her. There is a little pass under the bridge that she could have been hiding in, it would have blocked most of the wind. The snow was coming down, the roads were becoming icier by the minute, yet I knew I should stop and look for her. Crazy, but true. Did I? No, I hesitantly pulled into the driveway and stopped, giving myself 'not safe' excuse after 'i'm sick' excuse to go in. And I did. I'm warm, I'm full, I'm safe. When is it right to put others first and when is it wrong? When am I being ridiculous and when am I being selfish?
Do I sound insane?
This isn't selflessness; this is how far I am from being able to define this line.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Jesus Breads
Seeing as it is the birthday of our lord and savior this month, I consciously decided to give Him a true gift this year.
For Him, I gave up my Jesus breads. What is a jesus bread, you might ask? They are braided, jam filled loaves of bread shaped to look like a candy cane, then drizzeled in icing and cherries. Papa Tarrant, a dear man, says he always thought they were in the shape of of a 'J' for Jesus.
Every year, I INSIST that my Jesus breads are made and distributed - no exceptions. If you have been in the same town as I over xmas - you probably had one shoved in your face as I franctically ran back to the car to deliver 50 more. I was spreading Chrismas cheer, damnit!
This year, with 4 big shoots, a move across country, a new city, well, all of it, I just couldn't do it. I made a few down in Austin - the camera store people, etc - but by the time I made it up to Dallas, I. just. couldn't. Oh but don't you worry I still willfully tried, I bought 5 loaves of bread dough (people, not even ole' wonderwoman made that dough from scratch), thawed it out, braided them, and yeah then... I collapsed. dropped. BUT MY BREADS!!! If you don't bake them a few hours after you make them they rise too much and you must stand by the oven because they burn so fast. A few made it to the oven AT 2 AM and then I just couldn't do it anymore. All but one burned and it being Sunday morning and my flight to Salt Lake leaving at 6 am Monday morning, well - it was either go to the store and start all over or JUST LET IT GO (if I were to ever get a tattoo, that would be it).
But what about that neighbor across the street from my dad's house that (whose name I don't even know) who claims she waits all year for that bread to come to her door? Or those friends of mine who only live 90 miles away but get the Jesus breads every year?? Or that sweet lady who took such good care of my grandma before she died. Or that rabbi. Or the owners of that dog rescue. Or the lady who is going to take care of that puppy mill dog I was watching for 2 days who broke her leg in the backyard and now has to be crated for 2 months at her house? yada yada yada.
Then as I was kneeling down and realizing that I was asking the good Lord to help me get my Jesus breads done in time, I stopped, thought, and then asked, 'what can I do for you to honor your birthday?' The response was quick, 'for my birthday, let it go.' Now there are MANY things that was being mentioned but first and foremost (and this may sound ridiculous), the Jesus breads.
Instead of going to the store on Sunday and working to near exhaustion to remake these blasted things all day, I let them go. I let them go and I went to church and I thanked Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for love and glory, and for the lessons they are trying to teach me. And reteach me.
ps - Papa Tarrant got the only one that didn't burn. Although he lives an hour away. sigh.
For Him, I gave up my Jesus breads. What is a jesus bread, you might ask? They are braided, jam filled loaves of bread shaped to look like a candy cane, then drizzeled in icing and cherries. Papa Tarrant, a dear man, says he always thought they were in the shape of of a 'J' for Jesus.
Every year, I INSIST that my Jesus breads are made and distributed - no exceptions. If you have been in the same town as I over xmas - you probably had one shoved in your face as I franctically ran back to the car to deliver 50 more. I was spreading Chrismas cheer, damnit!
This year, with 4 big shoots, a move across country, a new city, well, all of it, I just couldn't do it. I made a few down in Austin - the camera store people, etc - but by the time I made it up to Dallas, I. just. couldn't. Oh but don't you worry I still willfully tried, I bought 5 loaves of bread dough (people, not even ole' wonderwoman made that dough from scratch), thawed it out, braided them, and yeah then... I collapsed. dropped. BUT MY BREADS!!! If you don't bake them a few hours after you make them they rise too much and you must stand by the oven because they burn so fast. A few made it to the oven AT 2 AM and then I just couldn't do it anymore. All but one burned and it being Sunday morning and my flight to Salt Lake leaving at 6 am Monday morning, well - it was either go to the store and start all over or JUST LET IT GO (if I were to ever get a tattoo, that would be it).
But what about that neighbor across the street from my dad's house that (whose name I don't even know) who claims she waits all year for that bread to come to her door? Or those friends of mine who only live 90 miles away but get the Jesus breads every year?? Or that sweet lady who took such good care of my grandma before she died. Or that rabbi. Or the owners of that dog rescue. Or the lady who is going to take care of that puppy mill dog I was watching for 2 days who broke her leg in the backyard and now has to be crated for 2 months at her house? yada yada yada.
Then as I was kneeling down and realizing that I was asking the good Lord to help me get my Jesus breads done in time, I stopped, thought, and then asked, 'what can I do for you to honor your birthday?' The response was quick, 'for my birthday, let it go.' Now there are MANY things that was being mentioned but first and foremost (and this may sound ridiculous), the Jesus breads.
Instead of going to the store on Sunday and working to near exhaustion to remake these blasted things all day, I let them go. I let them go and I went to church and I thanked Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for love and glory, and for the lessons they are trying to teach me. And reteach me.
ps - Papa Tarrant got the only one that didn't burn. Although he lives an hour away. sigh.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Roots
Everyone, meet my favorite spot in the entire state of Texas. Favorite spot - everyone. I call it 'my island' and yes, it must be visited several times a week. My legs last until the other side of it and then it is time to sit under the most perfect tree.
Charles and I were taking a rest here the other day and I stopped and noticed the exposed roots I was sitting on. They were huge! And bumpy. And hard. And not the prettiest. Spreading in every which direction, kinking up and smoothing out, intertwining with neighbors, creating the most chaotic pattern. 'Oh what a story this tree could tell,' I thought. Tree roots are ususally so deep underground and so rarely exposed, I've never really stopped to think about how as much of a tree is hidden as is above ground.
My, oh my, what we really can't see. So much more lies beneath, those sprawling and sturdy underground limbs holding us up, their curvy and bumpy path having hit so many blocks and with simply changing direction or merging with other roots for added strength, continuing on. Above surface, we may look tall and strong, stable and steady, but underneath we are each on a chaotic and curvy path. Perfectly straight roots would not yield such depth and lengths. Stubborn, on their own roots, would not be as strong without the melding and support of others. What's underneath may be messy, may be wild, may be turbulent and disorganized, but only such courses can support a tree growing at a slant out of the water on an island.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The Nanking Massacre
Have you ever heard of this? 1937? The Japanese raid this city in China and DESTROY it. Destroy it's people (literally). In just the first month, over 20,000 rapes of women and young girls were reported. Horrifying that this is true, sad that I've never heard about it.
I immediately started researching it and have become entralled on this horrible event. I watched another film tonight about it that was more of a reading of journals and letters of the missionaries over there that tried so desperately to save so many. It also included interviews from real survivors and soldiers (of both sides) recounting their experiences. My hand was over my mouth many, many times.
The suffering and trials the human body and soul can come back from is just unimagineable. God bless these people and the opportunity they have to share their story.
progress
I was talking to my bishop today, introducing myself and telling him a little bit about me. It took a while and I thought, 'oh - he will need to know you are sick.' As in, it wasn't my first thought about myself - as in, there was more to me in my mind than that. People, that's huge.
Am I feeling better? not a lick. Blood pressure was 78/40 tonight and I am a mess. Twenty minutes later it was 156/135. I dare say that is not normal? My dad kept telling me to go to the er - for what - more degrading judgment. I'll pass. They will just hype me up on drugs to regulate it and tell me to check with my primary care physician for further treatment (you mean the one that said, 'I don't do blood pressure')? Instead, I am going to sit in my home and be happy.
You have no idea how wonderful it is to say 'my home.' I don't own it, can barely half of rent it, but baby - it's mine. For the last six years, I have felt like such a burden, such a 14 year old burden, that is. My friends have all moved on in life, hitching, hatching, homeowning, as they should - I was not able to progress with them, however (and that's okay! my goodness I am blessed).
Sleeping in other people's homes, eating their food, running their a/c, feeling like a high school drop out with no motivation to get off of the couch was quite hard. Oh the guilt. Yeah, yeah - I had my reasons for living with the folks, and I will be forever grateful to them for being so supportive and understanding through all of this, but it is so wonderful to be out in the World, just making it. There come's a time, that you just need to feel like a normal person, a human being with a little part of the Earth of their own.
My bishop asked me how I am doing in learning the lessons the Lord surely has in store for me through this trial. I'm really getting there, Austin just may be my medicine after all.
Am I feeling better? not a lick. Blood pressure was 78/40 tonight and I am a mess. Twenty minutes later it was 156/135. I dare say that is not normal? My dad kept telling me to go to the er - for what - more degrading judgment. I'll pass. They will just hype me up on drugs to regulate it and tell me to check with my primary care physician for further treatment (you mean the one that said, 'I don't do blood pressure')? Instead, I am going to sit in my home and be happy.
You have no idea how wonderful it is to say 'my home.' I don't own it, can barely half of rent it, but baby - it's mine. For the last six years, I have felt like such a burden, such a 14 year old burden, that is. My friends have all moved on in life, hitching, hatching, homeowning, as they should - I was not able to progress with them, however (and that's okay! my goodness I am blessed).
Sleeping in other people's homes, eating their food, running their a/c, feeling like a high school drop out with no motivation to get off of the couch was quite hard. Oh the guilt. Yeah, yeah - I had my reasons for living with the folks, and I will be forever grateful to them for being so supportive and understanding through all of this, but it is so wonderful to be out in the World, just making it. There come's a time, that you just need to feel like a normal person, a human being with a little part of the Earth of their own.
My bishop asked me how I am doing in learning the lessons the Lord surely has in store for me through this trial. I'm really getting there, Austin just may be my medicine after all.
happy.
Someone asked me the other day, 'what brought you to Austin.' I've been asked this question many, many times. 'A little voice,' I have been replying. Honestly - that's it. A voice much calmer, quieter and sweeter than mine - one that can see a whole lot further out than my own. I listened to it instead of my own for once and wow, what a difference.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Disneyland for doggies
I found my spot. My official favorite spot of this new place. In Utah, that place is Sundance, in Austin, that place is Redbud Island. It is a little island, smack dab in the middle of the Brazos, about 5 minutes from downtown. Dogs are welcome off leash, meaning that the minute the car door opens (and that can take a while, this place has worse parking than a baptist church), they are off - free to run through the woods, jump in the river, swim, shake, play all they want. It is their Disneyland.
As a human, you must like dogs to really appreciate this place. No, you must love them. I was shooting some engagments last night and the couple really wanted a scenic, woodsy location. I suggested Red Bud, yet immediately hearing the chick wasn't exactly a dog person. You go, you are going to get slobbered on, mudded on, shaken water on, the whole nine yards, and I happen to love it. She ended up thinking it was beautiful but squealed everytime a furry friend came to give her a sniff. eh - it was good for her.
Woodrow likes the woods and squirrel potential but wont put a toe in the water and if a big lab come running down the path with a big stick in its mouth, he jumps in my arms and shakes like the true warrior he is - we are working on it.
I just love this spot of nature in the middle of a busy city, a city I might add, that already has my heart. I feel like I've come home after a really long time away.Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
moving
I've decided moving is a desperate, stressful, almost hit your wall, better do it with your family so you can yell at them, spiritual experience. You could say I've hit my wall. Without my wonderful family - I'd still be in the fetal position laying in the grass somewhere between SLC and Big D.
Heavens to betsey I had no idea just how heavy my crap is!! There might have been a moment today where I wanted to swear off all possessions and resort to a life in a teepee somewhere in New Mexico. Whenever I have my run away fantasy - it is always this.
I knew this wouldn't be easy, I knew it wouldn't. I've been so sure that this move was the right thing that I hadn't really thought the logistics through. Today, with my neck completely locked up (the good Lord knows he can keep me down with a really good kink in my neck) and me running on fumes, I really had to just sit down and watch.people.help.me. Watch them sweat and strain and push and pull and lift and tug just.for.me. I had to accept it, I had to say no to my inner self crying to get up, do it all myself and then make them all a big supper. It was hard but I think it really is okay to take some help when it is needed. I think.
Because I am at my wall, I hired to big dudes to come and unload the uhaul tomorrow when we get to Austin. I may be poor, but I am not crazy. I think sometimes saving money and doing it myself is really more a show of my pride than my frugality. Two big dudes meeting my rig at 3pm tomorrow - you are the best damn $90 I've ever spent.
Heavens to betsey I had no idea just how heavy my crap is!! There might have been a moment today where I wanted to swear off all possessions and resort to a life in a teepee somewhere in New Mexico. Whenever I have my run away fantasy - it is always this.
I knew this wouldn't be easy, I knew it wouldn't. I've been so sure that this move was the right thing that I hadn't really thought the logistics through. Today, with my neck completely locked up (the good Lord knows he can keep me down with a really good kink in my neck) and me running on fumes, I really had to just sit down and watch.people.help.me. Watch them sweat and strain and push and pull and lift and tug just.for.me. I had to accept it, I had to say no to my inner self crying to get up, do it all myself and then make them all a big supper. It was hard but I think it really is okay to take some help when it is needed. I think.
Because I am at my wall, I hired to big dudes to come and unload the uhaul tomorrow when we get to Austin. I may be poor, but I am not crazy. I think sometimes saving money and doing it myself is really more a show of my pride than my frugality. Two big dudes meeting my rig at 3pm tomorrow - you are the best damn $90 I've ever spent.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Almost there
I'm laying in my old bed at my dad's house in Dallas. My sister and I just drove from Salt Lake to Big D in 2 days... long drive but beautiful-man, the West is gorgeous. I'll be here a few days, load a very small uhaul with everything I own (and lots I don't), and head south on I-35 towards Austin.
I am so grateful PK made the trip with me. The old me, the attempting wonderwoman, would have done the whole trip alone, on no sleep and in record time. All for what, a prize? I don't want to tell you how many close calls I have had with falling asleep behind the wheel driving home the day after finals. My momma always says I have at least a dozen guardian angels on my side and I am starting to think she was right.
Anyway, on this trip, even with a good night's sleep before, I just couldn't do it. Could stay awake or sit upright or get my eyes to focus. My body really couldnt do it, and it was a good reminder of my new limits that i need to accept (you know, 6+ years after they've arrived). I drove 2 hours and PK did the other 19. As much as I would like to talk my talk and declare that one really can do anything if they make their mind up to it, well- some things one should know better than to even try. I'd still be in some shady motel in Cortez, CO if I hadn't actually accepted help on this one.
Everyone keeps asking me if I am scared of the big move and living in a new place, etc. Honestly, not a damn bit. I am as cool as a cucumber about the whole thing. I know it is where I am needed and where my next little life is ready to start. Officially.
Wonderwoman - recovered.
I am so grateful PK made the trip with me. The old me, the attempting wonderwoman, would have done the whole trip alone, on no sleep and in record time. All for what, a prize? I don't want to tell you how many close calls I have had with falling asleep behind the wheel driving home the day after finals. My momma always says I have at least a dozen guardian angels on my side and I am starting to think she was right.
Anyway, on this trip, even with a good night's sleep before, I just couldn't do it. Could stay awake or sit upright or get my eyes to focus. My body really couldnt do it, and it was a good reminder of my new limits that i need to accept (you know, 6+ years after they've arrived). I drove 2 hours and PK did the other 19. As much as I would like to talk my talk and declare that one really can do anything if they make their mind up to it, well- some things one should know better than to even try. I'd still be in some shady motel in Cortez, CO if I hadn't actually accepted help on this one.
Everyone keeps asking me if I am scared of the big move and living in a new place, etc. Honestly, not a damn bit. I am as cool as a cucumber about the whole thing. I know it is where I am needed and where my next little life is ready to start. Officially.
Wonderwoman - recovered.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
This made my day.
Couple Take Wedding Photos – 88 Years Late
Wu Sognshi (left) and Wu Conghan
The bride wore white and the groom brought his cane.
Nine decades after they first became man and wife in China, the still-happy couple, Wu Conghan, 101, and his wife Wu Songshi, 103, have gotten around to taking wedding photos.
The pair, married for 88 years, sat for photos recently, recreating their wedding day. According to Today, they wed at a time when cameras were tougher to find.
The centenarians donned wedding apparel for their official portrait. The groom wore a cream suit with black bow tie, while the bride donned full wedding gown, veil and held a bouquet of red roses.
The photos were taken as a part of an initiative by a collective of local photographers in Nanchong, China, located in Sichuan province. The photographers volunteered to shoot the wedding portraits of older couples who could not have photos taken on their wedding days years ago.
In a fitting bit of old meets new, the couple got to instantly see the digital snaps on the photographer's
Nine decades after they first became man and wife in China, the still-happy couple, Wu Conghan, 101, and his wife Wu Songshi, 103, have gotten around to taking wedding photos.
The pair, married for 88 years, sat for photos recently, recreating their wedding day. According to Today, they wed at a time when cameras were tougher to find.
The centenarians donned wedding apparel for their official portrait. The groom wore a cream suit with black bow tie, while the bride donned full wedding gown, veil and held a bouquet of red roses.
The photos were taken as a part of an initiative by a collective of local photographers in Nanchong, China, located in Sichuan province. The photographers volunteered to shoot the wedding portraits of older couples who could not have photos taken on their wedding days years ago.
In a fitting bit of old meets new, the couple got to instantly see the digital snaps on the photographer's
Sunday, November 11, 2012
my veterans
Every year at this time I am amazed at how little I have helped, or even thought about, those many many servicemen and women who do so much, who have done so much, for this country. To those who serve everyday in such dangerous places so far away from home with so little recognition - I am thinking about you.
And to those little heroes of my own... thank you, thank you!
ps - how cute is my little top gun up there on the top right. His call sign was, 'big bird.' Not quite as tough as 'maverick' but when you are 6'4'', you take it.
pps - remind me to tell you the story of the date I went one whose call sign was 'metro.' that one should have been my first clue.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
not political. promise.
here's to hoping their recent breakup is just a little hick-me-up. I need them.
Friday, October 26, 2012
I was listening to a photography conference and someone raised their hand and asked the speaker, 'how do you deal with those close to you who give off negativity concerning you not attaining success as soon as they think you should? (i add their idea of success)? whew. I could relate to this question.
This was asked as the photographer was telling the story of how she had woken up one day and realized that she wasn't happy and only she could do something about that. And then she did something that took serious, serious, balls. She acted on it. She didn't just put it off, she didn't just make excuses, she got up and did something about it. For her, she realized she needed to start completely over and move, change everything. big move. Now that was what she felt she needed to do and she clearly stated that to each their own on this but she sold nearly everything she had and moved to a new city. A year later she was happier than she had ever been.
How many of these realizations are never acted upon due to fear? True, scary, uncomfortable fear.
For me, today, I am 22 days from my big move to Austin. It's scary as hell but so so exciting. I kind of went through a similar experience that she had and realized things had to change, and I was the one that had to change them. Yeah, I could blame the whole 'i'm too sick' thing, and that is a really good excuse that I could ride for quite a while, but it's time to move on, sick and all. Am I well enough for this move? Not really, but it will be okay. Sometimes the juice is worth the squeeze. Do I have enough money for this move? Just. Barely. But it will be okay. Sometimes the price is worth the prize. I have enough weddings lined up to pay my rent and eat through May and for that I'm thankful. Will I ever regret this? Not a chance. I could end up hating the city (though highly unlikely), but this huge risk I'm taking will be one of the best things I'll ever do.
This photographer ended her lecture with a huge question.
This was asked as the photographer was telling the story of how she had woken up one day and realized that she wasn't happy and only she could do something about that. And then she did something that took serious, serious, balls. She acted on it. She didn't just put it off, she didn't just make excuses, she got up and did something about it. For her, she realized she needed to start completely over and move, change everything. big move. Now that was what she felt she needed to do and she clearly stated that to each their own on this but she sold nearly everything she had and moved to a new city. A year later she was happier than she had ever been.
How many of these realizations are never acted upon due to fear? True, scary, uncomfortable fear.
For me, today, I am 22 days from my big move to Austin. It's scary as hell but so so exciting. I kind of went through a similar experience that she had and realized things had to change, and I was the one that had to change them. Yeah, I could blame the whole 'i'm too sick' thing, and that is a really good excuse that I could ride for quite a while, but it's time to move on, sick and all. Am I well enough for this move? Not really, but it will be okay. Sometimes the juice is worth the squeeze. Do I have enough money for this move? Just. Barely. But it will be okay. Sometimes the price is worth the prize. I have enough weddings lined up to pay my rent and eat through May and for that I'm thankful. Will I ever regret this? Not a chance. I could end up hating the city (though highly unlikely), but this huge risk I'm taking will be one of the best things I'll ever do.
This photographer ended her lecture with a huge question.
If you are not doing what you love, why not?
Monday, October 22, 2012
Charlie's Turn
How I wish I could have taken the pain from my sweet little boy. I warn you this will probably sound more dramatic than it really was but for me, it was awful, it was watching my baby boy getting eaten while he screamed for me. told you so.
Charles Woodrow and I were out for one of our walks almost two weeks ago, I was too tired for the mountains that night so we just headed out in the neighborhood, doing our usual route. He was on leash, and we just trotted along on the sidewalk, peeing on almost any surface that stands still (he gets very particular about which mailbox and bush are in need).
We walked in front of one house and noticed a big black dog was outside, just roaming around. A little voice to me said cross the street but how good am I listening to that voice?? I"LL BE BETTER, I PROMISE! The owner was out and we walked on. I asked her the dog's name and she replied, 'Daisy.' Oh that's a cute name, I thought - must be a sweet dog. I asked if I could pet her and she said yes. I reached out to pet her with Charlie on his leash in my other hand and I noticed the hair on her back was sticking straight up like a mowhawk. I had heard that this was a sign of attack and so I reached out to grab her collar and off she went - except it wasn't on me, it was on my little man.
She was relentless, at one point had both his back legs in her mouth. I tried so hard to get in there and break it up, but I actually think I froze...why on earth did I freeze? I at least could have let go of his leash so he could have run but I gripped hard on that and he was stuck. He was screaming and screaming and I finally got my hands on Daisy and she slipped right through them and went at him again. Everyone says I'm so lucky that I didn't get bit but I would have gladly taken those bites for my Woodrow. I am much bigger and much beefier!
When she realized Charlie wasn't going to fight back she stopped, honestly this all couldn't have lasted more than 5 seconds, and then Charlie took off, right into 30 mph traffic which he luckily missed, limping, blood trailing behind him. I managed to chase him down, but he wouldn't stop. So I just sat in the grass and he limped over to me.
I carried back over to Daisy's house (she had been put up) and the owner was actually the owner's girlfriend and she swore that Daisy had never attacked another dog before. She called owner, he drove up, was really nice but again stated that the dog had never done anything like this. I tried to be really nice, and really calm and after they offered to pay for any vet bills needed, I said I had best get him home. I carried him home about a mile with him screaming at every place I tried to get a hold of him and the sidewalk dripping blood.
I immediately lost it - had no idea I would do that. I made it home, handed him over to my mom the nurse and literally lost it on the floor. I just kept thinking that there had to be a way I could have gotten in there and broken this up earlier, or gotten control of Daisy, etc. At that point I only that he had been bitten a couple of times but as we got a better look at him, we started counting - and counting. 14. 14 huge punctures. We found an er after hours vet and off we went. All he wanted to do was sit in my lap - he was so quiet and so still...AND SAD! How could something do this to such a sweet creature.
The vet had to measure how deep each puncture was by sticking a metal rod in - he was screaming - I couldn't handle it. How on earth am I ever going to take a child to get their shots!! The vet gave him a huge morphine shot and within 20 minutes and after throwing up over and over again), he was loose as a goose and on quite a high. They took him back to shave and wash all of his wounds and luckily didn't feel a thing.
We were sent home with massive pain pills and antibiotics and were told to let him rest and bring him back in a few days. The vet said he was one lucky dog to be alive and that was probably due to the fact that he didn't fight back. I always say Charlie just doesn't bite. And he doesn't. Not even during this. With seven bites on his back legs, he was also really lucky he didn't even snap a back leg.
We went home for a long night. He was out of it for most of it but he just kept drooling and drooling and drooling through towel after towel. He laid on my chest and I counted his breaths through most of the night. Hey, like I could sleep.
The next day his ears perked up quite a bit and as long as I was on top of his meds, he really was doing pretty well. I took him back after a few days and the vet was amazed at his progress. We went straight up to the mountain for him to sniff around in and I knew we were over our most traumatic event yet (and hopefully ever!) On our way home we got his favorite, an Arby's sandwich. He has had quite a few of those lately.
Now comes the issue of Daisy. Miss Daisy is a pittbull and I know, they have a bad rep. With all of my photo work at the shelters, I have met some really great pitts and didn't want to become one of those people that ordered them all to die. I knew if I did report her, well - it definitely wouldn't be a good thing and I tried to put myself in the owner's shoes. So we went and had a chat. Daisy was acting all sweet and licking my toes and looking pathetic. The owner was really surprised becasue she had tried to go after another dog the next day and so she was being shipped off to training with a group of other dogs for a month to see if she can even handle being around dogs anymore. Or, you know, you could keep her on a leash or in the backyard - there's an idea. So we left it at that.
Charles Woodrow and I were out for one of our walks almost two weeks ago, I was too tired for the mountains that night so we just headed out in the neighborhood, doing our usual route. He was on leash, and we just trotted along on the sidewalk, peeing on almost any surface that stands still (he gets very particular about which mailbox and bush are in need).
We walked in front of one house and noticed a big black dog was outside, just roaming around. A little voice to me said cross the street but how good am I listening to that voice?? I"LL BE BETTER, I PROMISE! The owner was out and we walked on. I asked her the dog's name and she replied, 'Daisy.' Oh that's a cute name, I thought - must be a sweet dog. I asked if I could pet her and she said yes. I reached out to pet her with Charlie on his leash in my other hand and I noticed the hair on her back was sticking straight up like a mowhawk. I had heard that this was a sign of attack and so I reached out to grab her collar and off she went - except it wasn't on me, it was on my little man.
She was relentless, at one point had both his back legs in her mouth. I tried so hard to get in there and break it up, but I actually think I froze...why on earth did I freeze? I at least could have let go of his leash so he could have run but I gripped hard on that and he was stuck. He was screaming and screaming and I finally got my hands on Daisy and she slipped right through them and went at him again. Everyone says I'm so lucky that I didn't get bit but I would have gladly taken those bites for my Woodrow. I am much bigger and much beefier!
When she realized Charlie wasn't going to fight back she stopped, honestly this all couldn't have lasted more than 5 seconds, and then Charlie took off, right into 30 mph traffic which he luckily missed, limping, blood trailing behind him. I managed to chase him down, but he wouldn't stop. So I just sat in the grass and he limped over to me.
I carried back over to Daisy's house (she had been put up) and the owner was actually the owner's girlfriend and she swore that Daisy had never attacked another dog before. She called owner, he drove up, was really nice but again stated that the dog had never done anything like this. I tried to be really nice, and really calm and after they offered to pay for any vet bills needed, I said I had best get him home. I carried him home about a mile with him screaming at every place I tried to get a hold of him and the sidewalk dripping blood.
I immediately lost it - had no idea I would do that. I made it home, handed him over to my mom the nurse and literally lost it on the floor. I just kept thinking that there had to be a way I could have gotten in there and broken this up earlier, or gotten control of Daisy, etc. At that point I only that he had been bitten a couple of times but as we got a better look at him, we started counting - and counting. 14. 14 huge punctures. We found an er after hours vet and off we went. All he wanted to do was sit in my lap - he was so quiet and so still...AND SAD! How could something do this to such a sweet creature.
The vet had to measure how deep each puncture was by sticking a metal rod in - he was screaming - I couldn't handle it. How on earth am I ever going to take a child to get their shots!! The vet gave him a huge morphine shot and within 20 minutes and after throwing up over and over again), he was loose as a goose and on quite a high. They took him back to shave and wash all of his wounds and luckily didn't feel a thing.
Being a gentlemen with his paws crossed waiting for the vet.
head bite - the deepest one
head and back
his poor swollen legs
We were sent home with massive pain pills and antibiotics and were told to let him rest and bring him back in a few days. The vet said he was one lucky dog to be alive and that was probably due to the fact that he didn't fight back. I always say Charlie just doesn't bite. And he doesn't. Not even during this. With seven bites on his back legs, he was also really lucky he didn't even snap a back leg.
We went home for a long night. He was out of it for most of it but he just kept drooling and drooling and drooling through towel after towel. He laid on my chest and I counted his breaths through most of the night. Hey, like I could sleep.
The next day his ears perked up quite a bit and as long as I was on top of his meds, he really was doing pretty well. I took him back after a few days and the vet was amazed at his progress. We went straight up to the mountain for him to sniff around in and I knew we were over our most traumatic event yet (and hopefully ever!) On our way home we got his favorite, an Arby's sandwich. He has had quite a few of those lately.
getting loved on from grandma, he's been very timid lately.
Now comes the issue of Daisy. Miss Daisy is a pittbull and I know, they have a bad rep. With all of my photo work at the shelters, I have met some really great pitts and didn't want to become one of those people that ordered them all to die. I knew if I did report her, well - it definitely wouldn't be a good thing and I tried to put myself in the owner's shoes. So we went and had a chat. Daisy was acting all sweet and licking my toes and looking pathetic. The owner was really surprised becasue she had tried to go after another dog the next day and so she was being shipped off to training with a group of other dogs for a month to see if she can even handle being around dogs anymore. Or, you know, you could keep her on a leash or in the backyard - there's an idea. So we left it at that.
Days go by and as I am out walking Charlie (not on that street, though), neighbors who had seen the fight were coming up to me and telling me their Daisy stories. Apparentely, the owner had lied about her having attacked other dogs before and she had put a dog in the animal hospital just two months earlier. and then more before that. So, now I need to call animal patrol. If they already have a file on her, well, then - that's a big problem. But there are kids always out playing and so many little furry friends that I would hate myself if this happened again because I didn't do anything about it.
Looking for squirrels, a favorite pastime.
So that is that - he is almost back to his old self, just really scared around other dogs and even people. I've learned quite a bit through this - one, just how attached I am to my little medicine man, as I call him. I realize he is 'just a dog' but then again, he is all that good buddy should be, and his loyalty is unlike anything I've ever seen. I also learned that yes, prayers are answered even for our furry friends and how many more are out there needing our prayers tonight. And for heaven sakes when the voice speaks people, listen!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I did a bad, bad thing.
I did it. again. I was old Laurie this past week and it who knows how much damage I did.
My little job needs me six more weeks and well, I need the dough. In order to stay, however, I needed to pop back to Texas and hammer out a bunch of photoshoots that I had had scheduled for a while now - I was supposed to be moved back by then and would have had plenty of time to do them. 'Oh, I can pop those out, plus 3 doctors appointments, and a trip to Austin, in four days - yeah, I could do that,' I thought.
Wrong. Big fat WRONG. This would have been a lot for old Laurie - and that woman could do about anything. Or at least she tried to. The first problem with new Laurie traveling is procrastination. I always have too much to do the night before I leave. There are pictures to edit and cd's to burn to be sent out to clients, there are hounds to square away, laundry to do, and then there is that whole packing thing.
I started my trip on Wednesday on a good hour and a half sleep. To most people, that is equivalent to about 2 nights in a row of no sleep. Numbing. Scary. Not good. I arrived in Dallas and was swept off to lunch with my dad and Holly. Two hours later I managed to make a good decision, one that came with guilt, yet wisdom. I said no. I wanted to visit Sam, a dear 95 year old buddy, and had the time to do so, and even someone to drive me, but I just couldn't do it. I hate for him to see me that bad, anyway.
I went to my dads and went off to get a haircut. A little salon in a tiny Texas town and they gave me the bill for $75!! For a haircut - that is all! Then I headed to the grocery store (pop had nothing but expired yogurt and an orange in his fride. I came back and crashed.
The next morning - I dropped my sister off at the airport, hit up 3 doctors appoinments (me being deemed still a mystery), finally made it to Sam's, and then home to a 3 hour photoshoot with a pregnant couple and their wild bulldog. I was hot, weak, sweaty and decided to hit the pool at midnight. Only think I could find was a too-tiny bikini in my sister's drawer and thus, in the safe darkness, I worked that tiny piece of fabric. I always feel so much less sick in the water.
The next morning was a bad decision. I had been made aware of a dog rescue that desperately needed help with photographing their dogs. Why I thought I would have it in me to to hammer this one out, too, is beyond me. Time does not equal ability, people. What a sad sight it was, a big room with 50 dog piled in cage on top of cage who would erupt in barking everytime someone would enter. We hashed it out, I was exhausted, the noise was deafening, and I left running late, stressed, and not in the right frame of mind for service.
I sped down I-35 towards Austin - and well, it all hit the fan. I had hit my wall and felt like I was going to pass out at every new little town. Each time I thought, what would happen, what would happen if I pulled over, checked in a little motel, and just slept. What would happen if I didn't meet that woman to pick up a lens I had bought used, or even worse, what would happen if I bailed on my couple getting married in December that had to have engagement pictures taken right away. Life would have continued, I wouldn't have been putting myself and other on the road in danger, and the World would not have come to an end. Yet on I drove, blasting loud music and cold air, and did what I had signed myself up for. I did as I was supposed to yet failed the test miserabley.
After the shoot, I stopped at Walgreens to get eye makeup remover - I could not get this mascara off from under my eyes. Despite my efforts - the mascara had been gone for days - those dark circles were just me. The next morning - I met my roomate at 8:30 (only time she could meet - 'no problem!" I obliged). Then I drove by my new apartment (felt like home), and headed back for an hour nap.
Then I drove back to Dallas, met up with a few friends who announced they had never seen me so bad, that my eyes were swollen and I couldn't stop shaking. Then to shoot a wedding. Yup - a wedding. Luckily, it was a small one with only about 20 people (those are so great! So warm and intimate!) and four hours later I headed home, still on adrenaline. Getting out of the car at my dad's was another story - it had all hit. I could barely walk, every muscle had been pulled, and the room was spinning a bit. I took a couple of hours to download pics, pack up, and went to bed. A couple of hours later I woke up freezing, I could not get enough blankets on top of me - yep, weird mid-night fever had hit yet again. Then the hands started going numb. About 4am I woke up drenched in sweat. Is this normal. no. Is this my fault. yes. Was it worth it. hardly.
I flew home and slept from 3pm - 10pm tonight. Mom had to bring me food because I couldn't make it up the stairs. Is this the worst suffering anyone has ever gone thru? Hardly. I may be a prisoner of my own body but I can walk, talk and think to my own accord when so many cannot. That part is far from lost on me. Does that make my behavior justified? Hardly.
Was I strong or brave enough to choose health, and well, me first this past week? No. And that's the sad part - I still haven't learned this great lesson the good Lord is trying to teach me. School is still going to be in session for quite a while.
My little job needs me six more weeks and well, I need the dough. In order to stay, however, I needed to pop back to Texas and hammer out a bunch of photoshoots that I had had scheduled for a while now - I was supposed to be moved back by then and would have had plenty of time to do them. 'Oh, I can pop those out, plus 3 doctors appointments, and a trip to Austin, in four days - yeah, I could do that,' I thought.
Wrong. Big fat WRONG. This would have been a lot for old Laurie - and that woman could do about anything. Or at least she tried to. The first problem with new Laurie traveling is procrastination. I always have too much to do the night before I leave. There are pictures to edit and cd's to burn to be sent out to clients, there are hounds to square away, laundry to do, and then there is that whole packing thing.
I started my trip on Wednesday on a good hour and a half sleep. To most people, that is equivalent to about 2 nights in a row of no sleep. Numbing. Scary. Not good. I arrived in Dallas and was swept off to lunch with my dad and Holly. Two hours later I managed to make a good decision, one that came with guilt, yet wisdom. I said no. I wanted to visit Sam, a dear 95 year old buddy, and had the time to do so, and even someone to drive me, but I just couldn't do it. I hate for him to see me that bad, anyway.
I went to my dads and went off to get a haircut. A little salon in a tiny Texas town and they gave me the bill for $75!! For a haircut - that is all! Then I headed to the grocery store (pop had nothing but expired yogurt and an orange in his fride. I came back and crashed.
The next morning - I dropped my sister off at the airport, hit up 3 doctors appoinments (me being deemed still a mystery), finally made it to Sam's, and then home to a 3 hour photoshoot with a pregnant couple and their wild bulldog. I was hot, weak, sweaty and decided to hit the pool at midnight. Only think I could find was a too-tiny bikini in my sister's drawer and thus, in the safe darkness, I worked that tiny piece of fabric. I always feel so much less sick in the water.
The next morning was a bad decision. I had been made aware of a dog rescue that desperately needed help with photographing their dogs. Why I thought I would have it in me to to hammer this one out, too, is beyond me. Time does not equal ability, people. What a sad sight it was, a big room with 50 dog piled in cage on top of cage who would erupt in barking everytime someone would enter. We hashed it out, I was exhausted, the noise was deafening, and I left running late, stressed, and not in the right frame of mind for service.
I sped down I-35 towards Austin - and well, it all hit the fan. I had hit my wall and felt like I was going to pass out at every new little town. Each time I thought, what would happen, what would happen if I pulled over, checked in a little motel, and just slept. What would happen if I didn't meet that woman to pick up a lens I had bought used, or even worse, what would happen if I bailed on my couple getting married in December that had to have engagement pictures taken right away. Life would have continued, I wouldn't have been putting myself and other on the road in danger, and the World would not have come to an end. Yet on I drove, blasting loud music and cold air, and did what I had signed myself up for. I did as I was supposed to yet failed the test miserabley.
After the shoot, I stopped at Walgreens to get eye makeup remover - I could not get this mascara off from under my eyes. Despite my efforts - the mascara had been gone for days - those dark circles were just me. The next morning - I met my roomate at 8:30 (only time she could meet - 'no problem!" I obliged). Then I drove by my new apartment (felt like home), and headed back for an hour nap.
Then I drove back to Dallas, met up with a few friends who announced they had never seen me so bad, that my eyes were swollen and I couldn't stop shaking. Then to shoot a wedding. Yup - a wedding. Luckily, it was a small one with only about 20 people (those are so great! So warm and intimate!) and four hours later I headed home, still on adrenaline. Getting out of the car at my dad's was another story - it had all hit. I could barely walk, every muscle had been pulled, and the room was spinning a bit. I took a couple of hours to download pics, pack up, and went to bed. A couple of hours later I woke up freezing, I could not get enough blankets on top of me - yep, weird mid-night fever had hit yet again. Then the hands started going numb. About 4am I woke up drenched in sweat. Is this normal. no. Is this my fault. yes. Was it worth it. hardly.
I flew home and slept from 3pm - 10pm tonight. Mom had to bring me food because I couldn't make it up the stairs. Is this the worst suffering anyone has ever gone thru? Hardly. I may be a prisoner of my own body but I can walk, talk and think to my own accord when so many cannot. That part is far from lost on me. Does that make my behavior justified? Hardly.
Was I strong or brave enough to choose health, and well, me first this past week? No. And that's the sad part - I still haven't learned this great lesson the good Lord is trying to teach me. School is still going to be in session for quite a while.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Loss.
The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from
those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not
come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today
will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and
gratitude." - Joseph B Wirthlin
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Corporate America
I took a little side job this summer to save money for Austin and it really was a blessing since I could most of it from my bed. I worked for Intermountain Healthcare, working on data for their corporate office. You may wonder why I haven't done this before. Usually, you can never, ever take data out of the office. Oh what the goverment will do to you. (such was the threat in some of my old jobs).
Anyhoo, this is really silly data. It's not medical data, it's hospital administration data.. It's almost funny how much money they are putting into researching whether or not their nurses like v-neck scrub tops or round. Thousands and thousands of dollors, people. But hey, I'm not here to judge their cause - just send it over and let me code it from my bed.
I was all set to leave for Austin October 1st - wait, that tomorrow - crap! I received a call last week that I was grateful for yet dreaded. I was asked to stay and fill in for someone for a few more months. It would be good money, and since I hadn't found a roomate/housing in Austin yet, it would give me some more time. My boss is great and knows my situation, well - as much as I've told him which I doubt is complete, and suggested that we try having me come to the office for just 5 hours a day everyday this past week and see how it goes.
It went. It was ugly. I haven't felt this sick since Africa. As far as workplace environments go, it really is great. I love the people I work with, love the great conversations we have, and really am happy there. But by Tuesday I could really walk normally and I knew this just wasn't going to work.
To some, it may seem glamorous to work downtown in a tall building, and for me, on the first day I suppose it did. I park about 4 blocks away in one of those garage things that goes up and up, around and around forever, and then walk and walk and walk, and then up the elevator 26 floors, signing in, getting a badge, yada yada yada. Everyone else's body does it, my used to do it (and did it good) - why can't mine now?
Luckily my grandma lives about 5 minutes away and I can go crash on her couch to get up the energy to drive home. It has been a very good glimpse at what life would be like if I had to, absolutely had to do it everyday. And I came to a conclusion, one that I come to everytime I try this, I can't. I just can't. My body literaly can't. On that Friday, when I had made it, when I was numb and shaking and sore and looking pretty rough, I realized that even if they offered me a million dollars to work full time for just a year, I couldn't do. I wouldn't even have to think about it. It's not up my will or my ability to suck it up or toughen it out - it is physically impossible and I had really best learn this lesson by now.
It made me think about all of those around the World that might not have the luxury that I do to be able to say no and still eat, it made me think about the single mom's working 3 jobs. bless them. I can say no and better be grateful for that gift the Lord has given me.
Bye, Corporate America, bye 9-5's. We just weren't right for each other. I've still got many lessons to learn that you just can't teach me.
Anyhoo, this is really silly data. It's not medical data, it's hospital administration data.. It's almost funny how much money they are putting into researching whether or not their nurses like v-neck scrub tops or round. Thousands and thousands of dollors, people. But hey, I'm not here to judge their cause - just send it over and let me code it from my bed.
I was all set to leave for Austin October 1st - wait, that tomorrow - crap! I received a call last week that I was grateful for yet dreaded. I was asked to stay and fill in for someone for a few more months. It would be good money, and since I hadn't found a roomate/housing in Austin yet, it would give me some more time. My boss is great and knows my situation, well - as much as I've told him which I doubt is complete, and suggested that we try having me come to the office for just 5 hours a day everyday this past week and see how it goes.
It went. It was ugly. I haven't felt this sick since Africa. As far as workplace environments go, it really is great. I love the people I work with, love the great conversations we have, and really am happy there. But by Tuesday I could really walk normally and I knew this just wasn't going to work.
To some, it may seem glamorous to work downtown in a tall building, and for me, on the first day I suppose it did. I park about 4 blocks away in one of those garage things that goes up and up, around and around forever, and then walk and walk and walk, and then up the elevator 26 floors, signing in, getting a badge, yada yada yada. Everyone else's body does it, my used to do it (and did it good) - why can't mine now?
Luckily my grandma lives about 5 minutes away and I can go crash on her couch to get up the energy to drive home. It has been a very good glimpse at what life would be like if I had to, absolutely had to do it everyday. And I came to a conclusion, one that I come to everytime I try this, I can't. I just can't. My body literaly can't. On that Friday, when I had made it, when I was numb and shaking and sore and looking pretty rough, I realized that even if they offered me a million dollars to work full time for just a year, I couldn't do. I wouldn't even have to think about it. It's not up my will or my ability to suck it up or toughen it out - it is physically impossible and I had really best learn this lesson by now.
It made me think about all of those around the World that might not have the luxury that I do to be able to say no and still eat, it made me think about the single mom's working 3 jobs. bless them. I can say no and better be grateful for that gift the Lord has given me.
Bye, Corporate America, bye 9-5's. We just weren't right for each other. I've still got many lessons to learn that you just can't teach me.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
My new hat
Don't I look beautiful???
I am in the slammer. They are doing a week long study of my brain (hah!) and thus I am strapped to a hospital bed. Oh this should interesting.
I am in the slammer. They are doing a week long study of my brain (hah!) and thus I am strapped to a hospital bed. Oh this should interesting.
Friday, September 14, 2012
San jose
Sealed my grandparents together last night, woke up today and flew to their beloved San Jose. Their home has not changed in 30 years, the pond behind their house I used to run around is the exact same. Their little neighborhood they used to live in has been frozen in time, kept up beautifully and it brought back so many memories. Oh to be able to sneak back to 20 years and have one more happy day with them there. It was the most perfect place to be today, their first day together forever.
Grandma, I even fed your ducks.
And then I found this bench dedicated to a cute old couple and I say there. for a really long time
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Why lady docs should maybe only be ladies. Or less creepy men.
Since when can you only be as well as your doctor's level of compassion?
I keep thinking this thought over and over in my head and know I need to realize that it isn't them that are going to cure me - only the Lord can do that with oh, the right time, for starters.
Ready for another crazy doc story? herewego.
Since they found all of that endometriosis in March they have put me on so much birth control that - (I was trying to think of a funny line to finish this sentence with but it's not coming - I'll spare you any attempt). Anyway - too much b.c. That stuff will make ya nuts. And big - real big. At least that is what it does to me, has always done to me, and every time I get off of it I swear never again. So we've changed types, dosages, etc, but seriously, that stuff just isn't good for me.
So I made an appt with an ob/gyn up here at the U, made sure all of my medical records were transferring, and waited a short 7 weeks for the first appointment available with the doctor I wanted's colleague who looked creepy from his picture on the internet.
I digress. I wait 2 hours in my little exam room, luckily I brought a book to read so I wouldn't have to stare at those blasted posters on the wall one more minute, and waited. and waited. He comes in, doesn't shake my hand, won't look me in the eyes and says, 'Who told you you have endo?" 'Um.. my old doctor in Dallas said I had stage 2-3.' 'I need proof,' he says. Great - old doctor's office didn't send the records. I try and explain more and he says, 'well, if you are telling the truth and you do have it, I'm going to give you a shot.' I asked what kind of shot. He casually replied the long name of it and said it is the best treatment for endo. I asked for a little more info. 'Oh, you know, it works because it enduces menopause.' huh? 'There will be hot flashes, mood swings and headaches for the first year but most women says that gets better with time.' I kindly inquire if I would be able to ever get out of menopause and maybe have some babies one day (body willing). 'Um, maybe - but you'll definitely need the help of a fertility doctor to do that, after this shot.' Um, yeah - let's not do that. 'I'm going to need to think about this,' is what came out of my mouth. He switched my bc to yet another one to see in the meantime.
"Oh, one more question," I said as he was walking out the door 45 seconds after he came in. "I have this bump sticking out of my lower left side, right by my hip bone and it's really starting to hurt, could you maybe look at it and tell me what it is?' Over his shoulder he said, 'sounds like a hernia. I'll refer you to a surgeon.' Wouldn't look at it. Wouldn't touch it. He just left. mmmkay.
The nurse came in after that with an order to do an ultrasound on my endo. News to me but okay - I've had that pleasure many a time by now.
So - a week later the ultrasound was done (those ultrasounds deserve their own relaxing morphine cocktail as part of the procedure, in my opinion). a week after that I had another lovely appt at which I had pleaded my old doc's office to forward the records to this guy one more time. I show up - his nurse says until they have no records there is nothing to be done so we'll have to cancel. I asked if we could at least talk about the ultrasound. He walks in, looks at me, and then just walks out. kay. He comes back and says, 'ready for your shot?' "I think I'm gonna pass, actually, there are just too many risks and side effects.' 'Well, you do need a fertility doctor, anyway - I don't treat endo.' Okay, um, not really trying to get pregnant. "If you ever want to get pregnant, you need to start with one now to maintain fertility." Oh just get me out of here.
"Oh, how was that ultrasound, by the way,' I asked. 'Normal. Completly normal' No surprise to me since all of mine have been normal which took so blasted long to diagnose the thing - with an exploratory little operation. I asked him if he could look at that knot on my lower side that really has been hurting. "It's a hernia,' he replies back, not even looking in that direction, not wanting to examine it. "What did the ultrasound say it was?' "Oh, they said it was a swollen lymph node but I'm telling you, it's a hernia."
I left. With my referral to my hernia surgeon and fertility doctor (you should see some of the questions I have to answer, or really can't answer on that guy's questionnaire).
We'll keep trying. Maybe a shaman, at this point?
ps - dragged myself to hernia doc this morning - oh this guy was too cute! Little old japanese guy who I just wanted to hug. He really was just precious. He looked at it, felt it and after 5 seconds said, 'this is not a hernia, not even close. just a swollen lymph node.' Followed by, 'your ob/gyn should really know the difference.' Yup. he should.
YAY FOR NO HERNIA!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Another one
Tonight I watched Machine Gun Preacher - a movie about an ex-con who finds Jesus and builds an orphanage in the Sudan. It was heartbreaking to be reminded about what they are going through over there, right now - in this very day and age. I still can't get the faces of those beautiful children out of my head - hope I never do.
Why do those so much better than I suffer so much worse?
Motusi - one of my favorite kiddos in this whole wide world.
Botswana, 2007.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Blendtec
Have you seen these things?? I want one like its Christmas morning. I have long felt that nutrition, or my lack thereof, is playing a huge role in my illness. A few years back, I even went on this crazy homeopathic diet where I only ate meat and vegetables for 7 months. Didn't work.
Anyway, I bought a juicer a couple of years ago thinking this would solve my problems by juicing all of the stuff I knew I would never chew. The problem - juicing takes quite a bit of energy. Everyday I lay in bed and think about what I will juice that day. Then I waddle upstairs, look at the thing and think about all of the time and energy it is going to take to do such, my head starts spinning and then I get back in bed.
Blendtecs don't have any prep work needed and no clean up... You can even make ice cream or soup in those things in like 2 minutes. It even heats the soup up for you. I am like an infomercial but my cousins rave about theirs and how much better they eat since having them.
New life. New town. New relationship to food. New way of eating.
What camera thing can I sell to buy one of these babies?
Anyway, I bought a juicer a couple of years ago thinking this would solve my problems by juicing all of the stuff I knew I would never chew. The problem - juicing takes quite a bit of energy. Everyday I lay in bed and think about what I will juice that day. Then I waddle upstairs, look at the thing and think about all of the time and energy it is going to take to do such, my head starts spinning and then I get back in bed.
Blendtecs don't have any prep work needed and no clean up... You can even make ice cream or soup in those things in like 2 minutes. It even heats the soup up for you. I am like an infomercial but my cousins rave about theirs and how much better they eat since having them.
New life. New town. New relationship to food. New way of eating.
What camera thing can I sell to buy one of these babies?
Tv
I needed to FTP transfer a bunch of files tonight from my lab to my computer and since we can now get a few channels I figured I would turn the TV on. Wow. 4 hours flew by, I got nothing done, couldn't think straight, and finally turned off that blasted thing wondering how in Earth I had gone so long addicted to that thing. Others handle it in moderation just fine- me, it paralyzes. All summer without one was great, I think I'll take a fall without one, too.
Monday, September 3, 2012
McCall
I've always said McCall is medicine. It truly is. I've been coming to this blessed place since I was a little girl and despite having been fortunate to travel the World, it still knocks my socks off every time I come. It is just that beautiful.
To many, Hawaii is their paradise, the place where they go and swear they've never seen a place more beautiful. To me, Hawaii sure is pretty, but it is also quite touristy, quite busy, quite expensive, etc. It's gorgeous, but it's not my absolute paradise. My haven involves mountains, aspen trees, lakes, deserted woods, and quiet, quiet, quiet. My heaven is McCall.
Every August, the last week to be exact, I find myself in this place. I look forward to it all year, knowing that will mean another summer is done with, my wonderful fall is just around the corner, and I made it another year with this nonsense (I became sick the last week of August 2006).. It's my little anniversary party to myself, and I look back at all that has happened since my last visit to this place, and look forward to what I've planned until the next time I will see it. Oh the plans I have in store for the time between McCall 2012 and McCall 2013.
I sat on the dock tonight, pitch black outside with millions of stars, toes dipped in the perfectly cool water, and didn't feel sick. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't but the important thing is that my suffering was a far second to the first thing on my mind. I was reaffirmed that there is a God and that He is the creator of this beautiful Earth. I felt of His love, His encouragement, and His joy for me. I felt assured of His plan for His children, His plan for me, His path that he is leading me down and the light that awaits me at the end.
As sad as I am to leave this place tomorrow, I'm also ready - I'm excited for the HUGE changes that are coming in the next 6 weeks and experiences that await me. They are happy ones, they are challenging ones, they are the right ones.
Yea for a happy year ahead!
Friday, August 24, 2012
My night with Johnny
Cooper and Johnny
I'm so proud of Coop for befriending him - they go everywhere together.
Meet girlfriends #12 and #13. The 'wicked stepsisters' (neither both, really). Over and over he kept saying, 'kiss me!' I was a little bummed that Johnny said we could only be friends but in all fairness, I was wearing a really strange African mu-mu and could barely walk from the wedding I shot the night before - not my best look.
Everyone is Johnny's friend because he has no notion as to why anyone wouldn't be! He is quite the hit at school, too, where he was crowned Prom King last year as a Sophomore.
'Joy'
Thank you for letting me in your world of happiness for a night, Johnny. What a treat it was.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
God bless our troops.
I do not spend enough time thinking about what they go through. Bless every single one of them.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Sikh and Hindu wedding
What an neat experience to witness this. There are so many wonderful cultures with such amazing traditions that are out there.
I shot an Indian wedding today and I had no idea what to expect. It was beautiful. The flame ceremony, the candle dance, the circling of the altar, the seven steps, it was amazing to witness.
Wedding after wedding that I shoot,
it seems the actual wedding ceremony is becoming less and less respected and more about lights, cues, and rushing through to get to the booze and the party. Are these brides and grooms really understanding what they are vowing to each other. When hard times come, do they remember those words they said that day?
The Hindu ceremony was beautiful. There was so much talk about kindness, respect, the joining of families, walking the steps of life together, etc. They even symbolically walked seven steps forward together, and as they took each step forward together they made another promise to one another to forgive, to love, to lift up, to trust, etc. I hope they will remember what love was in that room today.
And oh my, is an Indian wedding reception wild.
I shot an Indian wedding today and I had no idea what to expect. It was beautiful. The flame ceremony, the candle dance, the circling of the altar, the seven steps, it was amazing to witness.
Wedding after wedding that I shoot,
it seems the actual wedding ceremony is becoming less and less respected and more about lights, cues, and rushing through to get to the booze and the party. Are these brides and grooms really understanding what they are vowing to each other. When hard times come, do they remember those words they said that day?
The Hindu ceremony was beautiful. There was so much talk about kindness, respect, the joining of families, walking the steps of life together, etc. They even symbolically walked seven steps forward together, and as they took each step forward together they made another promise to one another to forgive, to love, to lift up, to trust, etc. I hope they will remember what love was in that room today.
And oh my, is an Indian wedding reception wild.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Inspiration
I am listening to this book. The author has a similar story and amazes me at what she accomplishes.
I am hearing this man's story. Competing in the 1936 Olympics in Berlin was easy as pie compared to what would happen next.
I am in love with this picture of him. 95 and still so happy to be alive.
My goodness, if he can get through what he did, I can too.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
night time
I've been really trying to protect my quiet time at night, these days. When you are on bed rest, the days and nights and pajamas all mix together and any time is as good as any other to put a movie on, check some emails, eat and then at some point just try and turn over and sleep (i.e. - that was my 5-9pm today). There becomes no pattern, I always feel like a mess and it can be hard to have a rhythm to your day.
I keep wanting to just lay in bed at night and read, ya know, like normal people do. Instead, I find myself connected to something with speakers and an on/off switch well into the night (many photographers have the horrible habit of editing pictures well into the night while everyone else sleeps), and then just turn it off and roll-over to sleep. Not healthy, people.
I remember when I was in school I would come home from the library or my blasted office around 2 am and just sit in the tub, oh that blessed claw foot tub in the 100 year old slanted house. There was a window in the bathroom and the moon would be framed perfectly in it as I sat in my tub in total darkness and had the first bit of silence to my day.
After my bath, no tv, no school books, no work stuff, just me and my big bed and a book. Sometimes I made it through a page, sometimes more, but that was my time, my blessed middle of the night quiet DC street time. I miss that - that time was all mine and even though I should have probably been sleeping, I had full ownership of that half hour and that was about the only thing in my life at that time that I had any say in.
I'm trying to make my night time something special again - something that I will look forward to each day in bed while answering emails and editing pictures....'just keep going and get these things done and then you'll be able to read.'
I'm working on it. Even though this blog post was written at 11:53pm. I'm working on it.
I keep wanting to just lay in bed at night and read, ya know, like normal people do. Instead, I find myself connected to something with speakers and an on/off switch well into the night (many photographers have the horrible habit of editing pictures well into the night while everyone else sleeps), and then just turn it off and roll-over to sleep. Not healthy, people.
I remember when I was in school I would come home from the library or my blasted office around 2 am and just sit in the tub, oh that blessed claw foot tub in the 100 year old slanted house. There was a window in the bathroom and the moon would be framed perfectly in it as I sat in my tub in total darkness and had the first bit of silence to my day.
After my bath, no tv, no school books, no work stuff, just me and my big bed and a book. Sometimes I made it through a page, sometimes more, but that was my time, my blessed middle of the night quiet DC street time. I miss that - that time was all mine and even though I should have probably been sleeping, I had full ownership of that half hour and that was about the only thing in my life at that time that I had any say in.
I'm trying to make my night time something special again - something that I will look forward to each day in bed while answering emails and editing pictures....'just keep going and get these things done and then you'll be able to read.'
I'm working on it. Even though this blog post was written at 11:53pm. I'm working on it.
Friday, August 3, 2012
and another
Another long day at work (seven hour war with an excel file), yet another Austin wedding booked on the way home!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
gentle nudging
today, i went off to work. such a common thing, such an expected thing. I can almost hear the pride and relief in people's voices when I tell them such. After 5 hours, I was numb. Couldn't drive home.
Yeah, it's good money. Yeah, it comes at quite a price.
After finally getting home around 9 pm (i have much family with many crashpads along I-15), I booked a wedding and received a separate print order that totaled two weeks of wages at this great job that pays so well and hurts so much.
i think I'm being nudged. or full-on pushed. it is possible, this little dream of mine. I'll be heading southbound on I-35 in no time.
ANNNNNND..... doctor #76 was nice to me!
Yeah, it's good money. Yeah, it comes at quite a price.
After finally getting home around 9 pm (i have much family with many crashpads along I-15), I booked a wedding and received a separate print order that totaled two weeks of wages at this great job that pays so well and hurts so much.
i think I'm being nudged. or full-on pushed. it is possible, this little dream of mine. I'll be heading southbound on I-35 in no time.
ANNNNNND..... doctor #76 was nice to me!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
6:22am Bedtime
Life just gets a bit too ironic for me, sometimes. About 6 weeks ago, I spent about every last dime I had to schedule an email blast to all of the The Knot's Austin Brides...today. 12 hours ago, my website crashed. I've been on the phone with about every tech support person still awake all through the night and didn't get anywhere. The company I really need to talk to is closed and won't be open until Monday. This is gonna put make one good impression on my future market.
So what am I doing? I'm praying. That's what I'm doing.
So what am I doing? I'm praying. That's what I'm doing.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
'Galloping Granny'
I should mention that Mavis was also the first woman ever recorded to run an ultramarathon, which she did in her forties. Oh, and she is also the first woman to run across America, from LA to NYC, which she did in her fifties. The only reason she never competed in the olympics was simply because she wasn't allowed to, South Africa was banned back then.
How did I meet Mavis? Mavis's acquaintence was truly a gift from God, something I needed at the exact time it came. I was a brand new missionary in a strange land, overwhelmed at the trials of the people that were begging me for help, and I was sick as a dog wondering if I could keep doing this really hard thing. I remember driving down to her house one Sunday afternoon, excited to meet a cute little old lady that was part of this struggling branch that needed so much help.
We found Mavis in a house in the desert, renting a small bedroom from a kind family. In her room she had a twin bed, a computer (that she was fluent in), and a chair. as simple as could be. The first thing that surprised me about her was her posture - she stood straight up, she walked with the ease of a 5 year old and she did NOT look 84. I asked her to tell me her story, having NO idea what she would say. I thought I would hear the normal life story, got married, had kids, husband passed too soon, etc. Ummm. 'I'm an athlete,' she said. Not 'was', 'is'.
Her history - she was setting world records at age 47, just for little things you know, like the 100 MILE races. Everyone told her that a woman's body couldn't handle such things, only a man could accomplish such feats. She wouldn't respond, just keep running. When she was told she couldn't compete in a race, she would run it anyway, having her time never recorded.
Of her run across America, which she did as a 53 year old grandmother, she said, “There were times when I thought I could not run another step but would set my goal as the next crack in the road – and so I ran from crack to crack. The heavy trucks drawing trailers would lift me up as they passed and I would always land on my right leg. By the 33rd day I suffered a severe injury. I could not move and cried like a baby. But the next day I was back on the road again. I could not take painkillers as they would have masked any further injury taking place. It was very tough.
What brought me through were the words of the hymn Lead Kindly Light by John Henry Newman which I sang continually in my head.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!‘Four weeks of blistering heat were followed by four weeks of snow and icy winds and then a week of ceaseless rain. But when I reached Alantown the sun came out and stayed. When I crossed the line I could not believe it. I had achieved an ambition of a lifetime. The next morning I realized this could not be the end – I still had a lifetime ahead!”
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
One step at a time.
After her favorite running partner, her son, was tragically killed, she had even more motivation to keep her training up - she was running for the both of them now.
Oh the stories Mavis would tell, humbly, quietly, all the while mentioning the toll it may have taken on her then grown children, wondering if she would do it the same all over again. She was and is a powerhouse, neglecting her own health and comfort time after time, running races with a cracked collarbones and arms in casts.
I think about Mavis often. How she just kept going. And she keeps going. One foot in front of the other. From one crack in life to the next. She gave me one of her medals before I left that area. I have it, love it, will keep it forever.
“One must not retire,” she says. “We all need to be challenged along the way. I have been blessed in so many ways. All my strength does not come from myself. The Lord gives every bird his food, but he does not throw it into the nest. I have learnt that one has to get out of the nest. It is attitude not circumstances that create the events in our lives. We all make our choices and our mistakes. What counts is our attitude towards them.”
Here is a link to her biography:
http://biography-ebooks.com/sample/180643/unstoppable-woman
another neat article:
http://www.athletics-africa.com/features/159/2012/05/28/mavis_hutchison_fish_hoek_south_africas_galloping_granny.html
Thursday, July 12, 2012
"What is it exactly that you think I can do for you,' he degraded, 'fatigue has nothing to do with neurology.'
Now this was the first sentence out of the man's mouth. Not, 'hi,' or 'I'm Dr. Vaughan, nice to meet you." And remember after trying to get out to Dallas for days on standby, I finally made it out that very morning on a 6 am flight, landing at 9:30, racing to my appt by 10. I hadn't even sat all the way down yet. What did I want to do? get right back up and avoid the mistreatment that I then realized was awaiting me. 7 months. I had waited 7 months for that appointment. It was the last doctor I was going to give a chance. You see why I go through these phases where I swear off anything with an MD attached to their name. Then, six months will go by and I start to think that there has to be something I could be doing to help the situation, to expose the docs to it a little more, even.
then i go in and get chewed up.
i had to take several deep breaths, but i stood my ground. I flat out told him, 'I'm not lazy, I'm not just a little tired, something is really wrong.' "There is nothing I can do about someone who is just tired,' he kept saying. 'Doc. my body moves itself. I'll be sitting in bed and my leg will suddenly move 2 inches up and down without me telling it to.' I handed him a copy of my crazy abnormal spinal tap results that no one can figure out and he just shrugged, 'yeah, it's a little off but that could be because of anything.'
mmmkay. I see how this was going to go. Supressing tears, I had to stop, fight back the tears, and beg him to help me. I just get so tired of having to practically go before a jury to prove that I am sick. It's like walking into an ER with a bone sticking out and the doctors just shrugging their shoulder and saying, 'looks fine to me.'
oh, cfs, you are an invisible beast. but you haven't gotten me down for good. doc number 76, here we come.
Now this was the first sentence out of the man's mouth. Not, 'hi,' or 'I'm Dr. Vaughan, nice to meet you." And remember after trying to get out to Dallas for days on standby, I finally made it out that very morning on a 6 am flight, landing at 9:30, racing to my appt by 10. I hadn't even sat all the way down yet. What did I want to do? get right back up and avoid the mistreatment that I then realized was awaiting me. 7 months. I had waited 7 months for that appointment. It was the last doctor I was going to give a chance. You see why I go through these phases where I swear off anything with an MD attached to their name. Then, six months will go by and I start to think that there has to be something I could be doing to help the situation, to expose the docs to it a little more, even.
then i go in and get chewed up.
i had to take several deep breaths, but i stood my ground. I flat out told him, 'I'm not lazy, I'm not just a little tired, something is really wrong.' "There is nothing I can do about someone who is just tired,' he kept saying. 'Doc. my body moves itself. I'll be sitting in bed and my leg will suddenly move 2 inches up and down without me telling it to.' I handed him a copy of my crazy abnormal spinal tap results that no one can figure out and he just shrugged, 'yeah, it's a little off but that could be because of anything.'
mmmkay. I see how this was going to go. Supressing tears, I had to stop, fight back the tears, and beg him to help me. I just get so tired of having to practically go before a jury to prove that I am sick. It's like walking into an ER with a bone sticking out and the doctors just shrugging their shoulder and saying, 'looks fine to me.'
oh, cfs, you are an invisible beast. but you haven't gotten me down for good. doc number 76, here we come.
Monday, July 9, 2012
doc number 74
flying to texas tomorrow to see a neurologist i've waited almost a year to see. let's pray he's nice. and helpful would be good, too.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
being norma
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today I went to the temple to do my grandma norma's temple work. I felt her there. I even smelled her - that crabtree and evelyn smell that would give her away a mile ahead. we had been meaning to do it for weeks now and after that little lady gracing my dreams night after night, I knew she was getting anxious. sometimes I feel I can do so little but today, it was an honor to do something she couldn't do for herself.
hope you are having quite a reunion tonight grandma, we sure miss you down here though.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
a little at a time
Tonight I've been thinking about how answers to prayers come, a little at a time, in their own time. What makes this week better than last to learn about what should be done? This year, this decade, even. It just is - you needed that time to hang out on a limb and learn to trust the net will be there. You needed that time to sit, ponder, stew even, worry, fret, and dig deep.
One thing I'm learning, it will all be okay. It will always work out for your good (eventually). Maybe the good from the hardest lesson you will ever have to learn is the test of faith, but I promise you will be better for it.
Little by little.
"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD"
-Psalms 27:14
One thing I'm learning, it will all be okay. It will always work out for your good (eventually). Maybe the good from the hardest lesson you will ever have to learn is the test of faith, but I promise you will be better for it.
Little by little.
"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD"
-Psalms 27:14
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