I had a huge shoot on Tuesday, it went well but I must have overdone it. I wanted to get to know more of the Austin wedding vendors so put together this big styled shoot at a friend's amazing modern house. There were a lot of balls in the air for me these past few months planning it and although working with all women (and creatives) tends to lead to a little drama (and it did), I think it went really well.
(one from Tuesday)
The next morning I woke up so sore I could barely walk but quite happy that it was all over and had gone well. I waddled my way around the island grateful for the gorgeous day and sense of accomplishment. Thursday passed, no probs. Friday. boom.
I sat in the social security office for 3 hours for a review of my benefits and it has been decided that since I make more than $200 a month from my Intermountain healthcare job (big money, I know) and occasional photography income, I am now too rich to receive part of my benefits. Social security has been a blessing to me in those months I haven't been well enough to work and I understand many people far sicker than I live across the globe without such a service. So my income will be a little less than it was, but oh well - I can make it. Then they tell me since I was so honest on my tax return this year that it is retroactive and I will have to pay them back thousands of dollars for the money they gave me last year... dum dum. Tears. The last straw.
I haven't had a good meltdown (the term my family uses for a complete soberest) in such a long time. When I was first ill, oh man - weekly if not more common but now, maybe once every couple of months. I sat in the car outside social security, listening to the message from the repair shop that my car needs $3,200 of work (it's not even worth that much) and just cried and cried.
Then I went home and took a nap. And tried to be grateful for the roof over my head and the food I had to eat. I have such a wonderful support system and so many that love and care for me...that is not lost on me for one minute but sometimes it can become a bit much. Money really isn't the key to happiness, not even close, but sometimes it is nice to have some breathing room and not have to worry about it 24/7. I have weddings coming, I have my intermountain job, and I still have some social security coming in, and I know things will work out. So why can't I beat this funk I am in?
There is a chance I could be healed tomorrow and get back to business. There is a chance this could be the rest of my life (and I have made peace with that) and that is okay too, but that should have no bearing on my overall happiness and contentment. Today, though, was probably my sickest day in years... I managed to get Charlie down the stairs for a potty break after a few hours but then had to immediately take a nap to recover. Just got him out one more time and I'm off to bed again. I'm probably just fighting off a cold (always manifests itself with just much more fatigue) and it will pass and I will get back at it - it just scares me to think that I have crashed to a new, permanent level. I just wanted to get this written down to look back on one day or to possibly help someone else far sicker than I that feels like this everyday. Bless your hearts.
In the meantime, I'm paddling the river, I'm at the island, I'm staying outdoors. I'm purposely planned trips this summer to give me things to look forward to. I've a furry little creature who will literally not take his head off of my chest this weekend and I am grateful for him. But I am down right now. I'm allowed. And it will all be okay.
