I did a bad, bad thing.

I did it. again.  I was old Laurie this past week and it who knows how much damage I did. 
My little job needs me six more weeks and well, I need the dough.  In order to stay, however, I needed to pop back to Texas and hammer out a bunch of photoshoots that I had had scheduled for a while now - I was supposed to be moved back by then and would have had plenty of time to do them.  'Oh, I can pop those out, plus 3 doctors appointments, and a trip to Austin, in four days -  yeah, I could do that,' I thought.

Wrong. Big fat WRONG.  This would have been a lot for old Laurie - and that woman could do about anything.  Or at least she tried to.  The first problem with new Laurie traveling is procrastination.  I always have too much to do the night before I leave.  There are pictures to edit and cd's to burn to be sent out to clients, there are hounds to square away, laundry to do, and then there is that whole packing thing. 

I started my trip on Wednesday on a good hour and a half sleep.  To most people, that is equivalent to about 2 nights in a row of no sleep.  Numbing.  Scary.  Not good.  I arrived in Dallas and was swept off to lunch with my dad and Holly.  Two hours later I managed to make a good decision, one that came with guilt, yet wisdom. I said no.  I wanted to visit Sam, a dear 95 year old buddy, and had the time to do so, and even someone to drive me, but I just couldn't do it. I hate for him to see me that bad, anyway.

I went to my dads and went off to get a haircut.  A little salon in a tiny Texas town and they gave me the bill for $75!! For a haircut - that is all!  Then I headed to the grocery store (pop had nothing but expired yogurt and an orange in his fride.  I came back and crashed. 

The next morning - I dropped my sister off at the airport, hit up 3 doctors appoinments (me being deemed still a mystery), finally made it to Sam's, and then home to a 3 hour photoshoot with a pregnant couple and their wild bulldog.  I was hot, weak, sweaty and decided to hit the pool at midnight.  Only think I could find was a too-tiny bikini in my sister's drawer and thus, in the safe darkness, I worked that tiny piece of fabric.  I always feel so much less sick in the water.

The next morning was a bad decision.  I had been made aware of a dog rescue that desperately needed help with photographing their dogs.  Why I thought I would have it in me to to hammer this one out, too, is beyond me.  Time does not equal ability, people.  What a sad sight it was, a big room with 50 dog piled in cage on top of cage who would erupt in barking everytime someone would enter.  We hashed it out, I was exhausted, the noise was deafening, and I left running late, stressed, and not in the right frame of mind for service. 

I sped down I-35 towards Austin - and well, it all hit the fan.  I had hit my wall and felt like I was going to pass out at every new little town.  Each time I thought, what would happen, what would happen if I pulled over, checked in a little motel, and just slept.  What would happen if I didn't meet that woman to pick up a lens I had bought used, or even worse, what would happen if I bailed on my couple getting married in December that had to have engagement pictures taken right away.  Life would have continued, I wouldn't have been putting myself and other on the road in danger, and the World would not have come to an end.  Yet on I drove, blasting loud music and cold air, and did what I had signed myself up for.  I did as I was supposed to yet failed the test miserabley.

After the shoot, I stopped at Walgreens to get eye makeup remover - I could not get this mascara off from under my eyes.  Despite my efforts - the mascara had been gone for days - those dark circles were just me.  The next morning - I met my roomate at 8:30 (only time she could meet - 'no problem!" I obliged).  Then I drove by my new apartment (felt like home), and headed back for an hour nap.

Then I drove back to Dallas, met up with a few friends who announced they had never seen me so bad, that my eyes were swollen and I couldn't stop shaking.  Then to shoot a wedding.  Yup - a wedding.  Luckily, it was a small one with only about 20 people (those are so great! So warm and intimate!) and four hours later I headed home, still on adrenaline.  Getting out of the car at my dad's was another story - it had all hit.  I could barely walk, every muscle had been pulled, and the room was spinning a bit.  I took a couple of hours to download pics, pack up, and went to bed.  A couple of hours later I woke up freezing, I could not get enough blankets on top of me - yep, weird mid-night fever had hit yet again.  Then the hands started going numb.  About 4am I woke up drenched in sweat.  Is this normal. no.  Is this my fault. yes.  Was it worth it.  hardly. 

I flew home and slept from 3pm - 10pm tonight.  Mom had to bring me food because I couldn't make it up the stairs.  Is this the worst suffering anyone has ever gone thru?  Hardly.  I may be a prisoner of my own body but I can walk, talk and think to my own accord when so many cannot.  That part is far from lost on me.  Does that make my behavior justified? Hardly.

Was I strong or brave enough to choose health, and well, me first this past week?  No.  And that's the sad part - I still haven't learned this great lesson the good Lord is trying to teach me.  School is still going to be in session for quite a while.