Merry Xmas

It's 5 am on Christmas morning. There is snow coming down outside and it is so beautiful to watch. I am in a warm house, food in my belly and very grateful for all I have. I got mom to sleep finally around 3am; yesterday was a doozie but we are hoping for a pain free day today.  Oh, and there is a handsome brown dog sleeping on my feet. Except it's not the handsome brown dog I have loved for 8 years - it's Petey - a shelter dog I rented for the holidays so he doesn't have to spend christmas in a kennel.

Charles Woodrow, my sweet boy who saved me during these last difficult 8 years, became very very ill in October. He was gagging, coughing, gasping for air; we did every test we could think of, spent more money than I had, and the consensus was that it was cancer. I tried and tried to talk myself into the fact that I didn't need to do what I knew I needed to do but in the end, I just couldn't keep him around suffering, for me.  I still wonder if I did the right thing at the right time, if I should have taken out a loan to save him, but it just wasn't what I felt I needed to do. The whole act of killing your dog seems so barbaric, yet as does making him suffer one more second than he had to. It just wasn't fair for him to be in so much pain.

Speaking of pain, what I would give to take my moms pain for her. I have tried to retain hope, tried to see past the reality, but from day one she was diagnosed I knew how this would end and whatever I can do to walk her to God in a more peaceful and pain-free manner, I will do anything to accomplish that. The transplant is off of the plate - her body just can't handle it and frankly, I think she is being spared to agony of it for a reason, it just wouldn't have changed the ending. She lives in a cycle of pain and panic and I pray everyday for patience and empathy to try and help with that. God bless this dear woman.

Life has been tough but I have felt so much love throughout this very trying process. I feel the Savior very close and know that it is a true gift from Him that we have mom with us still today; it is a christmas miracle.

Back again, just a different wonderwoman this time.

Looks like I haven't written since the night before my peaches and cream came. Oh how cannot imagine life without that ball (really fluffly ball) in it. What a little powerhouse of love, light, happiness yet little sleep.  I have no doubt that she was born at the very minute she was needed most. She has been such a ray of sunshine to us.

On to the reason why we needed the sunshine. Soon after she was born, and decided to never sleep again, boss got really sore. Oh, Boss is my mama. She is the least bossy woman on Earth but thus she is dubbed. We were so wrapped up in peach fest that we didn't pay as much attention to it as we should have, and she definitely didn't get to the doctor as soon as she should have. When she went though, idiot md just sent her to physical therapy, instead of ordering an MRI. Her back was in so much pain that she couldn't even lay down. Long story short, she had several fractures in her back due to the cancer that was in her bone marrow, eating away vertebrae.

That was 16 months ago, and she has fought so very hard, all while working full time, to try and put this behind her.  I feel like she has gone through so much more than most cancer patients (and sadly, I am probably wrong about that), so many ups and downs, months and months suffering on chemo that never worked, doctor error (and then some), but SHE IS STILL HERE.  And the only reason that woman is here is because of her gritting her way through HELL. I have seen this woman sicker than I ever thought a person could be and live to tell about it. And to have to watch her in such agony is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I will give more details later but we are currently in Salt Lake working on getting her a bone marrow transplant. The last seven days have pushed me to my limits of what I can handle as far as watching her suffer; I will never know what it is like to be her shoes, though. What I would give to be able to take it from her.

I've noticed there have been many times throughout this that I have been impressed to write, just write it out. The roller coaster, the miracles, the fasts, the love, and also the agony. It needs to be documented just what this woman went through to watch her grandbaby grow.

Here I go. This is for boss.