getting on, I mean, to my nerves

This entire year has been revolved around my nerves, my actual nerves, that is.  One of the many things that went wrong in my jaw surgery were some nerves were damaged.  Which nerves, that is, we have been trying to figure out all year.  On each side of my face, from the top of my head all the way to under my ear, it feels like I am getting shocked sporadically throughout the day.

My right eye is frozen (well, it droops over my eye) so we know the facial nerve was nicked but most of the pain was thought to come from the trigeminal nerve (if you are really bored, look it up).  Thus  we have done a nerve block on each side, radio frequency ablation (read: fry the nerve for 90 seconds until it crumbles and disappears, and lastly on the 19th, I went in and did something called a balloon rhizotomy.  They took a huge needle, stuck it through my cheek all the way back to the top of my spine and blew up a balloon at the end of it to 'crush nerves'.  An injection, right?  That's what I thought.  Sure, drug me up and inject away!  I came for my pre-op the day before and learned differently.  I guess this procedure has a tendency to slow the heart down to the point where it can often stop altogether (something about a nerve around the area that is connected to the heart) so they had to prepare me for that.  'Don't worry' - they said, 'we'll use the paddles and start it up again.'  Seriously?

One other precaution they took was they did an arterial catheter.  I guess they take a needle and dig it really deep into your artery so they can get drugs even faster into your system than an iv (although they gave me one of those, too).  They said not to worry about it because they would do it after they put me to sleep.  Okie dokie, do your thing boys.  I remember waking up to them taking that thing out and ouch!  I guess they did some pretty deep digging because this was my arm 9 days later!  Looked like beaten addict.

Well, the procedure sure did numb half my face (felt just like coming from the dentist) but sadly, it didn't touch my jaw or the side of my face.  We tried, though!  I was talking to a pain doctor today who thinks it might be the facial nerve that is causing so much pain and not the trigeminal nerve.  'Okay,' I said, 'numb that then.'  I guess that is not possible, there is no access point to it.

I made one more appointment with the original surgeon on Tuesday to give him one more chance to redeem himself and actually put some effort into trying to help me before I talk to a lawyer.  I feel dirty even typing that but a year of hell it has been and if this is permanent - well, I can't even think like that.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger!

Happy NEW Year!

Tonight I am home in bed, sick, yet perfectly at peace.  I am warm, I am fed, I am blessed.  I'm thinking about those in cold who feel so very unloved (why are these people sooo very on my mind these days??) and realize how good I really do have it.  I've never known true hunger, and I've never felt truly alone.

This year has been the make it or break it for me in my new little life - and I think I just might have made it.  I moved to a city where I literally knew not a soul.  My reason?  I simply felt I needed to. Family and friends thought I was nuts, worried that as sick as I was - I would be back home in a month all the wiser.  Not a chance.  I made my rent each month (sometimes with a $1 left to my name after) and took care of my needs.  I made friends, many whom I now can't imagine life without, and transitioned my business to a whole new market.  Not once, not for a single second, have I ever regretted my decision to move and what a feeling that is.

Happy New Year; here's to a chance to make this next one even better.  My resolution?  To simply stop and reflect more, give love, give thanks, turn off the electronic devices and not be afraid to stop and sit still and be perfectly happy in my own skin.

My Christmas Gift

I have truly been given a Christmas gift this year, one of much deepened gratitude.  Every day for the past few weeks I have been reminded how much I have been given and how fortunate I am to have a roof over my head, shelter from the cold and the abundant support I have in my life.  I am truly, truly blessed.  Still ornery, but very blessed :).

Tonight I am thinking about my Savior and what humble means he came to this Earth under, and with that, the life He was able to live and good he was able to do.  I feel grossly inadequate with all i have been given as to whom my life needs to be dedicated to - in every action and deed.  May you all remember the babe in a manger this holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

Grateful

It has been a busy week.  Busy shooting pictures and sleeping every minute in between.  It is cold outside, uncomfortably cold (well, for this southern lady) and as I sit in a warm house with food in my stomach I can't help but think of those who don't have this tonight, those who are suffering and desperately hoping for warmth and love.  I'm thinking of the people without a place to go, homeless animals who are suffering at no fault of their own, everyone and thing who is wishing they had someone to take them in tonight.

In short, tonight I am feeling incredibly blessed.

And if she can do this two minutes before a double mastectomy..

If he can do it..

then i will never be too weak to do something.

Keeping me down

Whenever there is a period of time where I have troubling booking up a season of photographing weddings, I have learned that it is because the Lord will need me to stay down and get extra rest during that time.  It used to terrify me, causing self-doubt concerning my work and the future of my business and should I save face and throw in the towel.  Nope, I am just going to need a break.

This fall was one of those. I tried repeatedly, invested greatly, in trying to secure a few last minute weddings - yet nothing was falling through.  Since I had had such a busy Spring and Summer, I figured I was allowed a little break and moved back to Austin to enjoy life without photoshop for a while.

I popped up to Salt Lake City for pop's 60th bday in blessed Sundance (that place is prozac for me) and before I made it back to Dallas, I popped back into my ob/gyn's office for my annual.  I could tell something was off, the endometriosis was doing something and told the doc about the recent soreness that felt very similar to how I felt just before ovarian cysts have ruptured in the past (by far the worst pain of my life).  She did an ultrasound and sure enough, 4 cm cyst.  This was Thursday at 3:30pm and by 4:45, I was at the surgical surgery pre-registering for my surgery that would be happening the next morning to have it removed.  That surgery is no big deal, not that painful and I would much rather go through that than wait for it to rupture (remember? worst pain ever).  Surgery happened, everything went fine, cyst removed, insides cleaned out, endometriosis deemed 'not horrible but there' and life moved on.  I even cancelled a photo shoot that was supposed to happen the following day, yeah, it wasn't going to happen and I felt absolutely no guilt about it.  Progress.

Four days later, yeah, I broke my foot.  You see a pattern..  I have these huge barstools in my apartment and had my purse resting on one. When I grabbed it, I somehow dragged the barstool down directly on top of my foot.  Wind knocked out of me, I winced and writhed and then tried to just walk it off. As in, walking all over a bumpy field for two days during Austin City Limits.  Yeah, common sense never was my strong point.  Yet, if I could put pressure on it than it couldn't be broken, right?  Wrong.  It got more and more swollen, blacker and bluer, and I headed into the ER for an xray with my head held in shame five days later.  

See.  There were plans for me.  Plans that involved me needing to be free of work for a while.  Plans to stay down and rest.  I have repeatedly learned that if I won't go down willingly, the good Lord will intervene and knock me down.  For good reason, of course.