The Nanking Massacre



Have you ever heard of this?  1937?  The Japanese raid this city in China and DESTROY it.  Destroy it's people (literally).  In just the first month, over 20,000 rapes of women and young girls were reported.  Horrifying that this is true, sad that I've never heard about it.

I watched a movie about this (The Flowers of War - last one of Christian Bale on netflix I haven't seen) and my mind was blown.  The story goes that there was a school for girls run by an American missionary that saved literally thousands of lives from rape and death.  The Japanese soldiers raided her school and demanded 13 girls to 'sing at a party' they were having.  Everyone knew, the girls included, that if they left with the soldiers, they would be used as sex slaves for the soldiers and eventually killed.  A group of women taking shelter in the school cut off their hair and donned the girls' school uniforms and went instead. The soldiers never recognized the difference and the women were taken and never to be heard from again. These women were former prostitutes and in my mind, they were heroes.

I immediately started researching it and have become entralled on this horrible event. I watched another film tonight about it that was more of a reading of journals and letters of the missionaries over there that tried so desperately to save so many.  It also included interviews from real survivors and soldiers (of both sides) recounting their experiences.  My hand was over my mouth many, many times.

The suffering and trials the human body and soul can come back from is just unimagineable.  God bless these people and the opportunity they have to share their story.

progress

I was talking to my bishop today, introducing myself and telling him a little bit about me.  It took a while and I thought, 'oh - he will need to know you are sick.'  As in, it wasn't my first thought about myself - as in, there was more to me in my mind than that.  People, that's huge. 

Am I feeling better?  not a lick.  Blood pressure was 78/40 tonight and I am a mess.  Twenty minutes later it was 156/135.  I dare say that is not normal?  My dad kept telling me to go to the er - for what - more degrading judgment. I'll pass.  They will just hype me up on drugs to regulate it and tell me to check with my primary care physician for further treatment (you mean the one that said, 'I don't do blood pressure')? Instead, I am going to sit in my home and be happy. 

You have no idea how wonderful it is to say 'my home.'  I don't own it, can barely half of rent it, but baby - it's mine.  For the last six years, I have felt like such a burden, such a 14 year old burden, that is. My friends have all moved on in life, hitching, hatching, homeowning, as they should - I was not able to progress with them, however (and that's okay! my goodness I am blessed).

Sleeping in other people's homes, eating their food, running their a/c, feeling like a high school drop out with no motivation to get off of the couch was quite hard.  Oh the guilt.  Yeah, yeah - I had my reasons for living with the folks, and I will be forever grateful to them for being so supportive and understanding through all of this, but it is so wonderful to be out in the World, just making it.  There come's a time, that you just need to feel like a normal person, a human being with a little part of the Earth of their own.

My bishop asked me how I am doing in learning the lessons the Lord surely has in store for me through this trial.  I'm really getting there, Austin just may be my medicine after all.

happy.

Someone asked me the other day, 'what brought you to Austin.'  I've been asked this question many, many times.  'A little voice,' I have been replying.  Honestly - that's it.  A voice much calmer, quieter and sweeter than mine - one that can see a whole lot further out than my own.  I listened to it instead of my own for once and wow, what a difference.

Disneyland for doggies

 

 



 I found my spot.  My official favorite spot of this new place.  In Utah, that place is Sundance, in Austin, that place is Redbud Island.  It is a little island, smack dab in the middle of the Brazos, about 5 minutes from downtown. Dogs are welcome off leash, meaning that the minute the car door opens (and that can take a while, this place has worse parking than a baptist church), they are off - free to run through the woods, jump in the river, swim, shake, play all they want.  It is their Disneyland.





As a human, you must like dogs to really appreciate this place.  No, you must love them.  I was shooting some engagments last night and the couple really wanted a scenic, woodsy location.  I suggested Red Bud, yet immediately hearing the chick wasn't exactly a dog person.  You go, you are going to get slobbered on, mudded on, shaken water on, the whole nine yards, and I happen to love it. She ended up thinking it was beautiful but squealed everytime a furry friend came to give her a sniff.   eh - it was good for her.

Woodrow likes the woods and squirrel potential but wont put a toe in the water and if a big lab come running down the path with a big stick in its mouth, he jumps in my arms and shakes like the true warrior he is - we are working on it.

 



I just love this spot of nature in the middle of a busy city, a city I might add, that already has my heart.  I feel like I've come home after a really long time away.

Austin

Settled.Grateful.Excited.Sleepy.Warm.Happy. Home.

moving

I've decided moving is a desperate, stressful, almost hit your wall, better do it with your family so you can yell at them, spiritual experience.  You could say I've hit my wall.  Without my wonderful family - I'd still be in the fetal position laying in the grass somewhere between SLC and Big D. 

Heavens to betsey I had no idea just how heavy my crap is!! There might have been a moment today where I wanted to swear off all possessions and resort to a life in a teepee somewhere in New Mexico. Whenever I have my run away fantasy - it is always this.

I knew this wouldn't be easy, I knew it wouldn't.  I've been so sure that this move was the right thing that I hadn't really thought the logistics through. Today, with my neck completely locked up (the good Lord knows he can keep me down with a really good kink in my neck) and me running on fumes, I really had to just sit down and watch.people.help.me.  Watch them sweat and strain and push and pull and lift and tug just.for.me. I had to accept it, I had to say no to my inner self crying to get up, do it all myself and then make them all a big supper.  It was hard but I think it really is okay to take some help when it is needed. I think.

Because I am at my wall, I hired to big dudes to come and unload the uhaul tomorrow when we get to Austin.  I may be poor, but I am not crazy.  I think sometimes saving money and doing it myself is really more a show of my pride than my frugality. Two big dudes meeting my rig at 3pm tomorrow - you are the best damn $90 I've ever spent.

Almost there

I'm laying in my old bed at my dad's house in Dallas. My sister and I just drove from Salt Lake to Big D in 2 days... long drive but beautiful-man, the West is gorgeous. I'll be here a few days, load a very small uhaul with everything I own (and lots I don't), and head south on I-35 towards Austin.

I am so grateful PK made the trip with me. The old me, the attempting wonderwoman, would have done the whole trip alone, on no sleep and in record time. All for what, a prize? I don't want to tell you how many close calls I have had with falling asleep behind the wheel driving home the day after finals. My momma always says I have at least a dozen guardian angels on my side and I am starting to think she was right.

Anyway, on this trip, even with a good night's sleep before, I just couldn't do it. Could stay awake or sit upright or get my eyes to focus. My body really couldnt do it, and it was a good reminder of my new limits that i need to accept (you know, 6+ years after they've arrived). I drove 2 hours and PK did the other 19. As much as I would like to talk my talk and declare that one really can do anything if they make their mind up to it, well- some things one should know better than to even try. I'd still be in some shady motel in Cortez, CO if I hadn't actually accepted help on this one.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am scared of the big move and living in a new place, etc. Honestly, not a damn bit. I am as cool as a cucumber about the whole thing. I know it is where I am needed and where my next little life is ready to start. Officially.

Wonderwoman - recovered.