My first official goal.

So, I've set a goal. I'm not the most organized, list-writing, attention to detail (hi pk) person in the World, but this time, I'm putting it down. 

Unless something huge happens between now and then (like a dream home bequeathed to me in Sundance), I'm moving to Austin in the Fall.  That town has been calling my name for years and I had best start listening.  One problem I've been having with my business is that the Dallas photography market and I don't ususally see eye to eye.  Dallas brides put on these massive, hotel ballroom weddings and want me to make them look absolutely perfect in every shot. And they all want the exact same posed pictures. There is not a huge want for more creative or artistic take on the big day and I realize that Dallas isn't going to change anytime soon.  So, I can moan and groan over it or I can do something about it.  move.

Austin has my heart for many reasons, though.  Being the hippie traveler I'm learning that I actually am, (kind of), Austin and I are fast friends.  And it's Texas.  And it's beautiful.  I worry about the hot summer next year but for now, Woodrow, my business and I are heading south on I-35 this fall. How on Earth I'm going to be able to afford those first few months while I'm getting settled and getting my name out about my work, I have no idea.  I'm just gonna have to trust that since the answer is clear that that is where I'm supposed to be, the rest will somehow work itself out.  I hear there is a hippie commune where everyone lives on old school buses.  okay, i'm not that bad.

There. It's in print. Let's make it work.

It Ain't Over!

On my online support group today, somone posed the very sad question, 'if the Lord God Himself spoke to you and said, "My son you can choose to pass from this current life now if you want to, or you can choose to stay". What would be your response?'

I've learned not to judge this question, I'm not in their body, I don't know how much pain they are in. So many are so, so worse off, having lost their spouses, their jobs, their homes, their hope.  On my really bad days, I used to even ask that question myself.   It's all about learning to see around the illness and not through it, and oh, is that so hard to do.  It's about not giving up on your life but finally giving in to your body. For now. 

Someone linked a video to me that might have done more good than the last five years of self-processing I've done.
Today, I want to lie in my bed, windows closed, ceiling fan slowly spinning. I feel like a mac truck came and hit me in the middle of the night. After watching this video, I'm not going to.  Today, I'm going to go sit on that sailboat and enjoy the sunshine.  It may hurt, and I may not last too long, but what a way to spend this gift of a day.

If you do nothing else for yourself today, please click on this link below, and hit play.

http://edsstory.com/films/it-aint-over.php#view-film

It's so ain't over, baby.

when we get there.

There is a line from a song I was listening to tonight that says, 'let me know when we get there, if we get there.'  Now that is the great thing about music - it means something different to everyone depending on how their minds translate the song to them.  I heard, loud and clear, the moment when we are suppose to stop and realize, 'i've made it. that whole success thing, that whole happiness and fulfillment and you've finally worked hard enough now go enjoy...thing' 

I don't think that moment really exists.  Maybe it should, maybe it shouldn't.  I don't know.  I think we often are always wanting more, more, more and no matter how much we have, it will never be enough.  Adversley, I think few are blessed with the realization that fulfillment and true happiness often doesn't happen from doing what everyone else thinks they should be doing. The big house may or may not be there, the wad of cash in the bank may or may not be there, and it doesn't matter - that after all those years of self-doubt and struggle and hard work (on yourself) have finally paid off and you are free to go on ahead and just be you. 

I think that's what that song said to me.

Someone has my supper.

My father (who deserves an entire blog dedicated to his antics) stole, I mean, waited in line twice after his bike ride to claim me a free burger.  Woodrow is such a carnivore and has slight entitlement issues.

Mama is getting big

I would like to publicly thank those blasted birth control pills for the 6lbs I gained in the last 4 weeks.  4 weeks. Even the doctor was impressed with such a number in so little time.  And I've been eating so well.  eish.  I hate those things.  And I hate how much I have to pay for them. Every night, it's like swallowing 2 ounces of pure lard.  Pizza is so much better. I know, I know, these are not major problems in life.  indulge me.

So, the surgery I had 3 weeks ago went really well. 6 more little incisions on my stomach (there goes my oh so promising career as a bikini model). I expecting it not to be fun at all but it really wasn't that bad. I think it must have been a gift from God because I just wasn't up for another month of nonsense.  They took a good look, and they actually found something.  Severe endometriosis.  What? You mean, you can see it?  They had to print me out a picture to prove it.  Am I sad?  no, not really. Relieved is probably a better word.  Validated, even.   

I have have a friend who suffers daily, hourly from it.  Endo owes her about 20 years of her life.  So much pain. So unfair. She could have thrown in the towel so many times but she held on to have those babies and I wonder if they will ever know how much she went through just to bring them here.  She has been such a great source of strength and understanding through all of this because she knows chronic illness.  She knows pain like no one I've ever met. 

I'm very lucky and don't think I have endo all that bad. Doc says no matter what stage of it you have, it doesn't necessarily correlate with how bad you hurt. I only really hurt one day a month (at most, sometimes not even that) - that's it.  Now that day is bad, horrible, horrific, makes me scream bloody murder and make sounds I didn't think any human ever could....but it is just one day. 

Now - is this all a coincidence?  Are all of these random little health problems related? They have to be.  I don't care what anyone says  - the everything in the body is connected and when the central nervous system begins malfunctioning it forgets to tell other parts of the body how to act properly.  That jaw problem that lead to that massive surgery?  12 (YES 12) cavities since I've been sick?  Blood pressusre 60/40?  i could go on but that is not the point I want to make.  It's all related and oh how wonderful the day will be when they finally put all the puzzle pieces together and figure it out.

And I'm very lucky that with yearly surgery, and those blasted birth control pills should keep me primed and ready to fertilize when the time is right.  (but sooner than later).  That was really good news for me to hear.  Should I have heard the 'we have to take it all out,' then well, yeah, that would just have been about more than I could handle.  Not that. Anything but that.  This illness can take whatever it wants just not that.

Now let me vent on the healthcare system for just a moment. please. indulge me.  When I was declared legally disabled, which was such a blessing that I was on only the first try (CFS usually gets laughed at), I was told that I would qualify for Medicare (health insurance for over 65 and disabled).  YEAH!!!  Wait.  After TWO YEARS.  what?  I thought it was a joke.  Nope, you can't get your benefits until you wait for two years.  Poor people!  What is everyone suppose to do?  I mean, those far far far worse off than I?  Spend your entire savings on one trip to the hospital. So sad.  Anyway, that was a long and hopeless two years but I finally got my medicare and could finally go see some docs and hope to get this thing figured out.

So, Medicare does not cover any type of birth control pills.  I mean, okay, the elderly ain't exactly looking to breed, I get it, but what about the rest of us.  Okay, moving on.  I can live with it.  Because I am kind of poor, okay I fall in the poverty-stricken bracket (but I live a very good life, I promise) I qualify for Medicaid as my secondary insurance.  Hey, I'll take it.  I called them today and was informed that Medicaid does not cover any type of birth control, either.  WHAT?  seriously?  So let me get this straight, I can get pregnant every 9 months and have all of my medical expenses covered at 100%, I can even go to the er every single day but I can't get a pack of birth control pills?  Sorry, I just don't see the logic, people. Oh how much I am learning about what it is like to be poor, wanting to better your situation so badly and work, and just can't. 

So I say what the hey how much can these things be, right?  Well, some of the ones we have tried have made me sick but we found one that I did really well on.  It's 100 bucks a month.  eish.  people the government gives me $641 a month (for rent, food, everything), and although I am so grateful for it, 100 bones of can't go to birth control pills.  I called the insurance company who told me to call the pharmacist, I called the pharmacist who told me call the doctor, and I called the doctor who told me to call the pharmacist, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.  You see why people just give up. Why they go to a very dark place in their mind and go home and give up. And give up everyday for the next 30 years.  It's too much.  Why is it so hard to be part of the system and still get the help that any human deserves.  I promise I worked hard.  I promise I tried to get to a place where I could provide for myself.  I really did.  And so have so many others.

on a cuter note, here is woodrow and i the day after my surgery. bless his heart.  he always takes it so hard whenever I get hurt.  He even stopped eating after my jaw surgery.  Anyway, I tried to look at the camera and smile but then I had quite the double chin so I chose to do the dramatic look away.

oh, and a cute little story about that wooly thing he is laying on. I now drive what used to be my grandparents car and my grandpa put that little strap cushion on the passenger's side seat belt to make rides more comfortable for Norma.  Such a typical little act of how he would treat her like a Queen. It makes me smile everytime I look at it so it is staying right where it is.

after the storm

I survived twister 2012! Every spring there are always a few tornado scares.  I guess I'm used to them and usually ignore them.  Unless the sirens go off, mama doesn't get out bed.

It actually was pretty bad this year, though.  It is eery to see homes leveled on the news in towns that I was in yesterday. I don't know - that stuff always seems like it will never happen to you.

It started out as a very different day, and ended one for that matter.  I woke up and looked out the window and smiled.  It was dim out, it was cool. It wasn't hot.  I had finished a whole slew of editing, I was exhausted, and today was going to be a down day, a great day.    Woodrow and I had a great stroll, there was a great breeze and I was planning a great 6 hour nap with the windows open.

Within an hour everyone was calling and telling me to turn on the news.  TV hadn't been plugged on in a while.  So I plug the blasted thing in, turn it on, and it's the all too familiar doplar showing the purple, red, and green areas of the storm.  An hour later the sky was green and my sister was over and trying to shove me in a closet with her.  They came close but never hit our town.  We were lucky, others down the road weren't.  How can someone wake up on Tuesday, head off to work and come home to a pile of rubble?  So sad.  

Fast forward a few hours. I'm done. I call it a night at 5pm.  A few hours later I hear Woodrow's frantic squirrel bark from far away.  Sure enough, the front door was open and someone smelled a squirrel 3 house down.  I head to physically remove him from trying to climb the tree and notice something - it is the most beautiful night I've seen in years, probably.  The sky is gorgeous, the breeze is perfect, and the most perfect light is floating around.  How could it have all changed so quickly?  After the storm is so much better than I ever thought it could be.  after any storm.

Assistend Living

No, I'm not going there yet!  Not really.

A few years back, I was watching Oprah and she was interviewing this very successful CEO of some company.  Oprah was asking her how she did it, how she kept up with all the demands of her job and maintain a life and her response has stuck with me for a long time.  "You are never too old to be in assisted living."

She went on to explain that she has someone that cleans her house, she has someone that picks up her dry-cleaning, and she is completely comfortable with that.  She spends her time where she is needed most and for everything else, she outsources.  Yeah, sure, wouldn't it be great if she really could do it all (and do it all really well), but she fully admitted that she can't and so why on Earth would she kid herself by trying to. Even this woman, with all her degrees and her fancy titles and prestige is no wonderwoman! And she freely admitted it.

I realized right then and there that that is why she has become so successful, she knows how to ask for help.

When I lived in Africa, it was common (pretty much the norm), to see families of means have a cook and a maid in their home.  Even those who probably couldn't afford it would sacrifice to at least have someone come in a few days a week.  They accepted expected that they would need this help, guilt free.  They would be shocked to hear that American women usually do it all themselves.  And many of them working full time jobs, too.  Shocked.  'You mean, everything?'  yup. 'And at home - the cleaning - all of it?'  yup.  'the shopping and cooking, too?'  yup.   That sounded crazy to them, and after a while, it sounded a little crazy to me, too.  No wonder why American women are so stressed!  Would it really be so bad if we got a little help with it all?

I was thinking about how homes were run in England 150 years back. Okay, I was watching Pride and Prejudice.  These women had help.  Lots of it!  They weren't cleaning the entire house, fixing all the meals, all the while maintaining a spotless appearance, etc - they had a whole staff to help them!  (oh wouldn't that be nice).

Now, I know that this just isn't possible these days, (and our homes are a fraction of the size) but how quickly we have gone from living with a whole staff to help to taking on everything ourselves!  One now has all of the jobs that used to take so many people to complete.  No wonder we have a hard time keeping up with everything. No wonder why we often feel like failures, of course we are not going to be able to do it all (and do it well).

So what gives?  What can give?  Money is tight, and few people have the resources these days. I sure don't have any magic answers.  Yet I hope one day that we can get to a place like that woman on Oprah and enter into some kind of guilt-free assisted living, seeing just how successful we can be at something instead of fizzling at everything.

whatever your part is, act well thine part.    (so pick a part).

now me admitting that I need to somehow hire an assistant to help me when shooting weddings? like salt on a wound, i tell ya.