Yearly Review

Cali was lovely, too much but lovely. Whenever one of these things I attempt doesn't go well I wonder what I will be able to do and what I can no longer do in this illness. Are the plans I have futile? Should I completely alter the life I hope to have in order to avoid this disappointing physical failure? In short, should I go back to bed?

I have been, and maybe always will be, stuck in this sticky part of a well mind (okay, okay...it's at least a whole lot better off than my body) and a body that just can't keep up with the ideas and plans I make for it. I push it and push it and fall short, every single time. Now, this truly is not the end of the World as what health I do have leaves me in a far better state than most, and for that I am truly grateful.
I just get so tired of always falling short to these extreme lengths I beg my body to go to. Perhaps I should plan a one mile jog instead of a marathon, so to speak.

One of the greatest ways I used to feel accomplishment was to push my body, time, schedule, mind far more than I thought I could handle yet walk away an exhausted yet achieved mess. I would end up far too busy with paying for what I'd done to ever enjoy my victory; I'm now learning a better quality of life yet smaller trophy may be the ultimate wisdom.

So this brings me back to the things I want out of my life, the big steps along the way, are they ridiculous pre-cure? Then again, how dare I let this illness take even more away from me. Wayne Gretzky said 'you miss 100% of the shots you never take.'

In my life I see enjoying my days, taking my trips and doing my exploring, can this still be done in between naps? I see kiddos, ones with only two legs instead of four, I truly believe I was put on this Earth for that reason; am I ridiculous for refusing
to let that go? I don't think I am, it will just have to be much different than I had thought.

The solution that rears its ugly head each time, that 'b' word that I might have to name a child after or something, I must learn balance. And a well planned, well balanced, eager to say no, wary to say yes scares the tar out of me. It's the gray, it's the nothing all that special and the extraordinarily ordinary that scares me out of bed everyday and pushes on to projects and places I have no business in. This balancing act will be a life lesson for me and although I have been getting better at saying no here and there lately, I must get to the point of planning to utter the word instead of tackling its counterpart's climb.

Here I go again. Wish me luck.