those things mess with your brain! (obviously) but seriously - i was not in a good place today. i told my shrink a month ago that I'm convinced those things are making me depressed. he did not agree. more overly-opinionated comments on that whole topic later.
I had a lovely tech support chat for an hour last night that almost did me in. I hung up and was out of breath. too much talking too loud on speaker phone, too much trying to understand each other, too much. I could not calm myself down, I felt like I was on speed or something (exactly what happens when they try and put on those add pills..oh that's another one for ya to look forward to). I laid down and started to shake. I eventually fell asleep but had a few of the CRAZIEST dreams I have ever had. These babies could be screenplays for box office busters. nuts. all of my lost energy must be escaping to my dreams because they are insane. anyway. I woke up feeling like I had slept about a minute and then thought I was witnessing the first earthquake utah has had (maybe I should google that but I'm just gonna type on).
The whole room was spinning, shaking, and there had to have been a 10 lb ball inside my head bouncing from side to side. standing up was a whole other story. I made it to the kitchen, hanging on the walls (i think thats what those were) and grabbed some chow. blood sugar. everything can be blamed on low blood sugar in my quick to react mind and thus I excuse myself to eat more than I should. food didn't stop the spinning. laid back down. confused. i feel like i'm gonna pass out all the time but this was not that...the earth was moving people. i broke down. grabbed a coke. i poured about 1/4 of it into a coke before i had to hit the deck.
i'm gonna admit, it was scary.
Oh but that trip to the healthy food store! it was right down the street and I needed to go there so I could start cooking (and cooking healthier at that), and become nice and tiny and healthy and energetic like mai pet. Yeah - I could still swing that I told myself. I got up to get dressed and after trying to put my pants on in such a state of earthly movement, I quickly realized that tahini and I were not going to make friends that day. i said no.
Then I had a little light bulb. that blasted pill! I have only been on it a few weeks (last one that I was one for 5+ years is now showing to cause people massive heart problems) and i must have forgotten to put the bottle in my bag. but that means I had only missed one day of it. sheesh these things are powerful. now i needed to get home to the pill. this is when I should call for a ride. like i'm 14. no one was around (and I was happy I didn't have to tell my story) so I decided to get in the car. and pray. i poured more coke and woodrow and I crossed our paws.
I got there. it was ugly but I took the side streets and made it. I was full on shaking like a leaf when I made it downstairs and swallowed the blasted thing. for the next couple of hours my little quake continued, along with thoughts of being really fat, really useless, really ugly, really tired, really misunderstood, yada yada yada. oh and it was hot. play your violin.
what did i do? after a couple of hours the earth decided to still and I decided to get outside. everyone always says if you are tired, depressed, ornery, get moving and get some exercise. I drove and drove (fully intending on ending up in Sundance...that place can cure cancer) yet I went a different direction and headed for the mountains a bit further north. prettiest little spot. prettiest light. woodrow and I walked and walked and walked. and you know what? it worked. i came home a different person and decided to tackle some dreams again.
exercise vs pills (or the lack thereof)? interesting idea.
I often wonder this too, because when I can walk or run outside my depression is nowhere to be seen. Now stick me inside for three days with sick kids and I'm peeling off wallpaper crazy.
ReplyDeleteWay too scary. I sure hope you can get off them eventually.
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