slow enough to think about things

I finally woke up from a month ago.  Sure, yeah, I haven't been asleep the whole time - but I sure haven't been awake.  I've found it usually takes about a month to recover from something big, a move, a wedding shot, anything big like that.  The busy April and May and then all of the packing and flying out here, yeah, that was big.  So for the past month I have been awake for a few hours of the day, but asleep or just plain out of it for the rest. And that's okay.  It's just the way it goes.  Some things are worth that price. Coming out here to the cool mountain air - definitely.

Now that I am starting to emerge, my brain is getting going again. And as usual, it begins with a little panicking. What am I doing here?  Is it okay that I'm here?  Isn't there something I'm supposed to be doing?  Am I a burden here?  What happens now?  yada yada yada.  I keep telling myself, over and over again, I am here to rest and it is just damn fine. end of story.

I sure wish I could kick this whole 'I don't work a nine to five or have kids so therefore I have no purpose'....thing.  It is definitely not the Lord telling me that, it is society, or my own perceived notion of what society deems a successful human to be.  Deep down I know it really doesn't matter what you do as long as you are happy and fulfilled, money included or not.  my oh my I had no idea how deep I dug into that former notion.  I really, really needed a reality check. here it is.

I've noticed if I hang in there, insights and little opportunities come in their own due time.  But they only come little by little, and you definitely have to be still and patient enough to notice them.  I have a job interview on Monday. I think.  Everyone is so excited about it but I'm treading very lightly.  First of all, it has to do with my old life, the research part of it.  Second of all, it has kind of been orchestrated by my grandmother's unfailing determination - the boss goes to church with her.  Ever since I graduated school a long, long time ago, this man at her church would always ask about me and he would always want to talk about my plans for medical research as this is what he does for IHC (Utah hospital chain).  Now, things have changed so much but when your grandma calls and says this man really wants to talk to you...you call him...just to get her off of your back.  I talked to him a few months ago and was very clear about my limitations but he assures me that he is just looking for some part-time help on his studies, things I can mostly do from home, and projects that don't require writing code.  I'm here, I'm in need, I'll go talk to him.  We'll see. It may be a good chance to earn a little extra cash for Austin.  Grandma thinks of this as my absolute salvation and solution to all of my problems. it's not.  but it could be a good fit so off I will go to find out more.  Do I bring a resume?  Do I list full-time sleeper as a credential?

Speaking of Austin - I'm still going, baby.  Everyone and their dog has told me what a terrible idea it is, how I have so much support here in Utah, how I'm not well enough, how there is no way I can afford it, and that I should just stay here.  yeah, sure, I could.  But I'm not.  Doesn't feel one bit right.  Head back to Dallas? Big no.  That feels about as right as a move to Afghanistan, about now.  

I could do what everyone else thinks I should do with my life. Or I could do what I've known I should do for years, as scary, impossible, challenging, unrealistic as it may be. I'll admit, the doubts have come lately.  How dare I dream so big with such a finite limitation.  I can't work more and solve the problem, can't take on a few more jobs there and make it work, can't forget about the problem or pretend its not there - I've got to tackle this one head-on, sick and all.  I've got to make it work.

I'm sure most people have, or will, at some point in their lives, have to do something like this, they'll have to do something for them and only them, something that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else.  At a certain point, you just can't handle everyone else telling how to life your life their way - you've got to finally head out there as you, on your own, barely standing, and just make it.  I finally got to start living this new life of mine.




In a year from now, I hope to be able to look back on these words with a really big smile.  And a whole bunch of crazy stories about how I did it.