Throughout all of this I have written. A lot. That's the thing about writing without an audience, it is the purest form of communication. You and your mind. Without the social filters, the fear of offending, the fear of showing weakness, and above all, the fear of admitting to what is actually going on in your head. No matter how dark, how clear, how unflattering. It is there. And there comes a time when you have to stop covering it up, stuffing it down, excusing it away, shaming it. There comes a times when you have to own it and in the right time, release it to the universe.
I'm gonna go ahead and state that this is what it is. If you are here to roll your eyes and see how pathetic and self-involved the sick girl is today, I beg you to close the window. That is NOT what this will be about. It will be funny, it will be positive, but it will also be real. Also, I'm gonna be pretty honest here. Not at people, but at the situation. The good, the bad. all of it. I know that we should 'forget the bad and only remember the good' (especially in people), but in an experience as unique as this one, I owe to others going through this and much, much more to avoid the sugarcoating.
I know there are so many with this illness (and other chronic conditions that the docs can't make go away), that lay in bed all day and think they are alone. That no one will ever understand what they go through, and even harder, that no one will ever even try. Those that don't have the amazing support system that I do and in their minds, have lost everything. This blog is for those people. It is to help you see that you are not forgotten, that you are not worth one bit less than before you were sick, and that there is so much joy (and yes, hope) to still be had. Despite the pain. Deep in the middle of the pain. On the other side of the pain. Others may never know what you go through, but you do. Be proud of you. It's time you wear your battle scars with pride.
Empathy is not something every person in this crazy World should have, it's something we need. Whether we like it or not. Sympathy, on the other hand, is a whole other world and understanding the difference between the two (and the need for one and want for the other) has been life-changing.
Through this journey, I've racked up some pretty great stories. Now realizing that I had once been obsessively striving to live the life of perfection, to look real good paper (and in a swimsuit), and being miserable throughout, I'm learning how close I came to truly living a life so fancy, so impressive, and yet so unmoved and unfulfilled. It's actually quite scary to think about. Now, I'm physically down most of the day, I'm almost 30 and living with my dad, I'm pretty poor (but have absolutely everything I need), and to society (and many docs), I am lazy, too scared to get a life, and pretty pathetic. But ya know what? I'm happier than I've in so long! I'm learning to truly let go what others may think about me (or what my insecurities perceive their thoughts to be), and give them all a good freebird (no charge!) and just simply be me. Silly, goofy, loyal (to a fault), artsy, hippie, dog-loving, stubborn, big-cheeked (both sets), tired, sick, emotional, loving ole me.
Reality you are so scary and yet the best thing I've seen in years.
*also, I am no english major :) My punctuation is a mess, my ADD rampant, and I'm just fine with that. Please don't read with your mental red-pens. (ahem, sister journalist who this will drive nuts).
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